In the wake of the recent bombings in London and the rising popularity of disaster movies such as The Day After Tomorrow and War of the Worlds, I have decided that it is important for me to acquire some kind of skill that would ensure my survival in a post-apocalyptic agrarian or even pre-agrarian world. Right now, I’m thinking that skill is knitting.
The artsy among us will be the first ones up against the wall when the really useful people, the herbologists, the carpenters, the doctors, the mad scientists, need a good rump roast. When the chips are down, no one needs a fat playwright, even for reproductive purposes. I mean, come on. I’m a flat-footed asthmatic with the family one-brow. My typing skills will be useless in a world without computers and my junior high jazz dance training, while entertaining, might not save the lives of my fellow survivors. No, they will not need my words or my snappy steps but they WILL need sweaters, ‘cause those nuclear winters can be a bitch. And dammit - there will be sweaters.
I know what you’re thinking. “Roro - where will you get the YARN?” Well, this is the cool part - yarn is for pussies. REAL post-apocaplyptic knitters use plant fibers to make their garments. Hemp, certain tree barks, stinging nettles - these fibers are the future, my mutated little friends. And as an added bonus, some of these fibers can be consumed for nutrients when the fucking adventure racer, who put himself in charge just ‘cause he can tell time by the shadows cast by my ass, eats the last rat.
My sweaters will probably be a little lumpy at first, because no matter how much pre-apocalyptic practising I do, the ACTUAL apocalypse will probably introduce a set of circumstances that even I hadn’t foreseen. Knitting with sticks while running from zombies - I might miss a stitch in my “knit one, knit one, purl one” sequence. Also, if my hands get injured, or are busy pounding nuts into mush for gruel to feed the animals, I could end up knitting with my feet. I’m not too worried about my garments being perfect, though - we all remember how hot Carrie Anne Moss looked in a frayed sweater.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. I don’t even know how to knit under regular circumstances, let alone while hiding behind a pillar while helping some action hero reload. But I’ve see people knitting EVERYWHERE - in classes, on the subway, in front of the t.v., on the john. It seems like a very portable skill. Learning to create fiber from plants may present more of a challenge, as very few knitting guides offer instructions on this topic but I’m sure with a little perseverance and experimentation, I’ll be carding and spinning that dandelion fluff in no time. That’s what Ma Ingalls would have done.
Anyway - I just thought I’d let you all in on my plans in case you all are interested in acquiring or brushing up on your own post-apocalyptic skills. ‘Cause when shit like THIS is going on, can the end be far behind? I’ll see you when the dust clears. I’ll be the one sucking industriously on my nettle sweater.
Comments:
So when can I place my order for a Creampuff designer hemp garment? Christmas is coming up, you know…
Comment by Drew — Tuesday, July 12, 2005 @ 8:04 am
Coincidentally, I’m going to learn how to knit today at work. The women I work with knit every Wednesday and I’ve succumbed to the pressure. Some would say I should have my “Man Card” taken away, but in all honesty, I never had one. They ran out that day and I never went back to get mine.
Comment by Drew’s friend — Wednesday, July 13, 2005 @ 5:49 pm
Dude, after the apocalypse, there will be no Man Cards or Woman Cards - just “Nettle-Sweater Sucking Survivor” Cards. I’m glad you’re getting started on this now.
Comment by Rose — Thursday, July 14, 2005 @ 4:42 pm
What, knitting a cat hair sweater is no longer good enough for you?
Comment by Sarah — Monday, July 18, 2005 @ 8:31 pm
Sarah, get with it. We have no guarantee that cats will make it out okay. And if they DO, they’re gonna need ALL THE FUR THEY HAVE.
Comment by Rose — Monday, July 18, 2005 @ 10:38 pm