87% True: The Lies That Bind

One Show Left!

Only one show left! This Saturday, Sept 16th, 3:30 p.m. at the Waterfront Theatre, we'll be doing the show for the 25th and last time. The last time!! Craziness! Come check out our last hurrah - we'll probably be drinking heavily afterward. Huzzah!

It takes a village to get two people, a stuffed bear's head and a hippy truck across the country. We've had a lot of help along the way. Today, we'd like to take a moment for a special thank you to Charles. Our dashboard moose.

Charles ("Chuck" to his friends . . . uh, us, I guess) has been with us from Toronto to Vancouver. We rubbed him for luck (not in a dirty way) whenever we felt ourselves in automotive peril, or saw others in peril along the way. He got us over the Canadian Shield. He got us over the flat flat prairies. He got us over the Rockies. He got us though traffic jams and guided us to Slurpees.

We hope that once the Fringe tour is over, he'll protect Chris and El-Trucko from curious bears when Chris goes camping. It would also be great if he could protect Rose from ever having to go camping. She's just not that kind of lesbian.

Thanks, Charles!

Slurpee count = 104

Vancouver Attained! And We Drove the Coquahalla!

The mountains! The ocean! The Starbucks on EVERY CORNER! Yes, that's right - Chris and Rose have arrived in Vancouver, where the air is sweet and Chris can finally walk around naked again. The man has been staying at other people's houses since June 14th, folks. That's a LONG TIME to have pants on. Fly free!

We have our tech rehearsal in a couple of days and we're pretty thrilled to be doin' the show at the Waterfront Theatre, which cross-country travellin' Kristen and cool Fringe artist and blogger Darren Barefoot, creator of Bolloxed, assure us is pretty sweet. Here's a quick refresher on our Vancouver show times:

Georgia Straight Stage 4 - Waterfront Theatre, 1412 Cartwright St., Granville Island, Vancouver
 
Fri. Sept 8, 9:00 pm
Sat. Sept 9, 5:30 pm
Sun. Sept 10, 7:15 pm
Tues. Sept 12, 10:15 pm
Wed. Sept 13, 5:15 pm
Sat. Sept 16, 3:30 pm

As Rose types, Chris is out slamming, poeticizing and promoting the show at the bi-monthly Poetry Slam at Cafe deux Soleils down on Commercial Drive. Slam it, Chris! And, uh . . . let's hope he remembered to put pants on. It's . . . it's a family show.

Slurpee count = 94

Almost Out of Ontario

Hey, guess what? Ontario is BIG. It's so big that we've been driving for 4 days and WE'RE STILL IN ONTARIO.

Now, to be fair, we took it fairly easy the first few days. Our first stop was Sudbury, Blueberry Capital of the World, where Chris and I stayed with his kind and lovely friends from Salt Spring Island. It was Chris' 30th birthday that day and so his friends made him a pie. We ate the pie and pronounced it the best damn pie we'd ever had. We also has our astrological charts done, so now, in addition to our roadmap of Canada, we have a roadmap for our LIVES. Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaah!

Night Two was spent in beautiful downtown Wawa, Ontario. As we know no one in Wawa, we kicked it to the Sportsman's Motel (Spend the Night - Not a Fortune!) Chris hit the Beer Store and Rose hit the Macs for a Slurpee. Then we had to run the gauntlet of sportsman loitering in the parking lot right outside our room.  On the way out of town, we hit the Giant Goose. Chris' imaginative pose inspired countless other tourists and as we left, several people were imitating the goose in flight. Chris briefly considered a career as a cult leader, but then Rose poked him with her knitting needle and told him to keep his damn eyes on the road.

And then there was Night Three, which we spent in the palatial home of Rose's dad's friends Bob and Carol. Bob and Carol weren't home but they left us a key and we were in there like dirty shirts, splashing in Lake Superior, scampering about their gorgeous home and touching all of their stuff. Being conservationists, we took care to leave only footprints. And perhaps a little sand. And a bottle of wine, 'cause we're all class.

One of the highlights of the evening was when Rose answered the phone and it was Bob and Carol's daughter on the other end. "What?" she said, bewildered by Rose's peppy "Hi, Bob and Carol's place!" "Where the hell are my parents?" "They're off in the States," Rose told her, "and we're in their house! But not in an illegal way." Rose neglected to mention to Bob and Carol's daughter that Chris would be sleeping in her room that night. HA ha!

Also, over the course of this journey, we remembered that we are doing a show! And that we rewrote chunks of the show we did in Toronto! And that we don't know all our new lines! So when were weren't reading our astrological charts, fussing with the iPod, passing the same camper van 8 times in 2 hours, eating a greasy, bacon-y breakfast, stopping at the Sev in Dryden for a Slurpee or knitting, we were rehearsing! We hope that yelling over the raging wind from the open truck windows as we speed down the Trans Canada at 100 km/hour will help us with our "projection" skills.

And so here we are, minutes from the Ontario/Manitoba border, in the nicest, most comfortable coffee shop in Kenora, Ontario. It's called HoJoe's. And the frozen hot chocolate makes the Second Cup's taste like hot buttered ASS. Next stop - The 'Peg!

Slurpee count = 59

First Day of Rehearsal - COMPLETE

Chris got in from Vancouver Wednesday night and yesterday was our first full rehearsal for show. I was looking forward to sharing our breakthroughs, our despairs, our moments of REAL INSIGHT into these characters we've lovingly created. Instead, our day was all about El Trucko here. And it went like this:

8:30 a.m.: Rose discovers that she can't insure El Trucko with her current license, which we'll call her "kiddie license." Foiled!

9:00 a.m.: Chris calls, sounding amazing perky considering the possible jet lag due to three hour time difference. He says he'll be showing up between 10 and 10:30 a.m. Rose promises muffins.

9:59 a.m.: Rose puts pants on.

10:01 a.m.: Chris shows up. There are no muffins. Rose placates him with a cookie.

10:05 a.m.: Rose reveals to Chris the latest chapter in the ongoing "How to insure a BC driver on an Ontario truck" oeuvre. If you're interested, the chapter is entitled "FOILED".

10:07 a.m.: Chris has a brilliant idea. Rose calls the insurance people back to ask if they will insure someone with a temporary Ontario license. They will. SUCCESS! But the insurance people at Rose's bank seem suspicious that she keeps changing her license story. Chris encourages her to hang up before they "trace the call."

10:30 a.m.: Turns out you need your passport to get an Ontario driver's license! Chris has his passport - back at his friend Greg's house.

10:45 a.m.: Chris and Rose witness a man screaming obscenities at the poor TTC ticket booth guy at Wellesley Station. They give crazy Mr. Fuck You a wide berth, because, unlike the TTC guy, Chris and Rose are not surrounded by bullet-proof glass.

11:39 a.m.: Passport obtained!

12:25 p.m.: Government office reached. The wait is surprisingly short, considering it's lunch hour. Chris nearly blacks out from jet lag and low blood sugar, but passes the vision test. Then he gives a jet-lagged, drugged-over grimace when the lady takes his picture. Chris will not be posting the photo here.

1:00 p.m.: Lunch. Sweet, sweet lunch.

2:48 p.m.: Show up at El Trucko's now former owner's house to sign the legal documents. Chris becomes the legal owner of the hippie truck. Former owner suggests that we paint our URL on the back of the truck for our trip. Former owner's baby claps his hands at his mother's brilliant marketing idea. Chris and Rose think it's great too - although when you have your URL on the back of your truck, you can't drive like an asshole. Foiled!

3:30 p.m.: Locate the top half of Chris's costume at the Goodwill Store. Sweet!

3:31 p.m.: Rose is tired and sunburned. Chris expresses his interest in getting his jet-lagged ass into the fetal position. Our heroes part ways for the day. On the way home, Rose stops at the Sev. For the "first rehearsal" Slurpee.

End Day 1.

I know, I know - SCINTILLATING. Sigh. We're hoping that the days to come will be lighter on El Trucko-related drama and heavier on . . . actual drama. Like, you know - the show.

I have got to get a Slurpee Meter going on the side. Until then . . .

Slurpees Consumed:  1

We Never Misplace Our Truck