Tomorrow is Canada Day! Yay Canada! Oh, Canada - you're not perfect, but you are definitely worth celebrating. I plan to observe this national holiday by belting out my favourite patriotic tune, The Canada Song, and consuming unseemly amounts of our national drink - Slurpees. With just a touch of vodka.
Some random things I love about Canada:
Jokes about beavers - I totally love that our national animal is the beaver. Industrious yet dumpy. Suggestive yet ridiculous. They mark their territory with "scent mounds". It delights me.
The island made of chocolate - Did you know that here in British Columbia, there's an island made entirely of chocolate? It's true! It's called Denman Island and you can eat everything there - rocks, trees, garbage cans, you name it! Or so I HEAR. It's not too far from Saltspring Island, which is the island made entirely of pot.
Folk musicians - Speaking of pot, my parents are avid folk festival fans and it's thanks to them that I once ate lunch next to k.d. lang and touched the Violent Femmes. It's true that I love the crappy pop but nothing lifts my soul quite like Maria Dunn or Amelia Curran or Evalyn Parry or The Be Good Tanyas or... you get the idea. Canadian folkiness - you please me.
Things that are filmed in Vancouver - I get a geeky thrill when I watch films and tv shows that are shot in Vancouver. The X-Files, Battlestar Galactica, Bionic Woman - it makes me feel COOL. I get an even bigger thrill when I recognize Canadian actors on the American shows that are filmed in Canada. For example, we recently discovered cute lesbian comedy Exes and Ohs, which was not only mostly shot in Vancouver but also stars Marnie Alton, who's from Edmonton and was in my very first play when I was 16.
Here's the scary part - it's been 17 years and she looks EXACTLY THE SAME. Totally gorgeous. Me, I look more an more like our national animal every year. Industrious yet dumpy. Also, strangely fuzzy.
Cake Beauty - It's summertime and the living is a little dry and flaky, especially around our ankles. I've been dying for some serious exfoliation and rubbing my feet up against the throngs of Cirque du Soleil patrons isn't cutting it. So Katr and I went a little wild in Cake Beauty's online store. We're getting some citrus squeeze brown sugar scrub and a few other deliciousnesses. I'm not going to lie to you guys - I've been thinking about it. A LOT. This shit cannot get here fast enough. And when it does...I might never leave the tub.
Anne of Green Gables - It's no secret that I believe Anne of Green Gables turned me gay. The close female friendships, the après-ball "sleepovers", Anne getting Diana drunk on currant wine while Marilla was out - let's face it, Anne of Green Gables was practically The L Word of 1908. That's right - 1908. That means that this year is the 100th anniversary of Anne!!
To celebrate this momentous occasion, Moynan King and I are co-curating a night of hot Anne lesbian cabaret action called Anne Made Me Gay: When Kindred Spirits Get Naked at Buddies in Bad Times in Toronto, November 28th. I know!! A whole night of Anne!! Be there - bring your gingham and your bosom friend.
I could go on, but it might take away from my pre-Canada Day Slurpee drinking (you have to lay a base). Instead, I turn it over to you, fellow beaver lovers! Happy Canada Day to all of you and may the Great Beaver grant your every desire!
(Note to fabulous Buffy quiz participants - I'll draw for the copy of Fray next Monday. Stay tuned!)
Between the dull, drab and dreary weather in Vancouver this week and the apocalyptic craziness of the weather everywhere else, I confess I'm feeling a little foggy lately. Even the jaunty drilling and colourful striped tents of the Cirque du Soleil next door have failed to snap me out of it.
Also, our almost new Cuisinart Grind Central coffee grinder died mid-grind yesterday, leaving us with a burnt rubber odour instead of a hot brewing coffee aroma (I'm still looking into getting a new one free of charge, so I guess I'll hold off mailing that jar of dog shit to their headquarters - FOR NOW).
As a way to overcome both fogginess and the caffeine deprivation, I decided yesterday to spend some time looking at pictures of our honeymoon, in order to remind myself of the sun and how it exists. It worked a treat and I came across some other pre-wedding photos that I'd been meaning to share with you all.
But first, briefly, a word about bathroom time.
I never want to see you go to the bathroom.
That's your special private time.
It's the gift you give yourself.
I also (and I think this only applies to my brother, Jaro) don't need to see the results of your private time in that room, even it it's "standing almost vertical, like the Leaning Tower of Pisa" or "a snake so long it followed me out of the bathroom".
Hearing bathroom time does not bother me. I don't need to pretend NOTHING's happening in there. I have a friend who, even after she moved in with her fiancé, continued to run the water every time she took a whiz. That, to me, is extreme. But I... please, just... close the door. And don't talk to me.
Fortunately, Katr and I see eye to eye on this issue. Our bathroom doors are firmly shut whenever one of us is spending some quality time in there. Brief check-in's are permitted (I, for example, like to call out "Whatcha doin' in there?" and then laugh and laugh, because I am twelve), but there are no prolonged discussions. The fact that you can actually see the TV from one of our toilets does not distract us from our door-shutting duty.
Given our choice, as a couple, to not make bathroom time "us" time, you can imagine our chagrin when Katr and I got to our room at the Holiday Inn on King - the room we were staying in for a week before the wedding - and saw that the wall to the bathroom looked like this:
That's right. A wall - of GLASS.
Leaving most of the lights out didn't really make a difference.
And because the door was glass too - a door - OF GLASS
- there was literally nowhere in the room where you could be and not see directly into the ladies' shitter.
I caught the ice bucket taking a crap.
I am extremely curious about this design choice on the part of the Holiday Inn on King. This room was one of their new "executive rooms" and, along with the peek-a-boo bathroom, it also boasted a gi-huge-ic flatscreen tv, a very comfortable king bed and the worst use of space I have ever seen in a hotel room.
I suppose they figured that this would be a single occupancy room and that the dappled glass bathroom wall and door would make it seem bigger. But even executives pick up now and then and unless they dig seeing their date doing their business...and I know some people do and good for them... it might make things AWKWARD. I imagined scenes like:
One night stander #1: Oh my god, Shirley. I've been waiting all day to get a look at your legal briefs.
One night stander #2: Just let me... freshen up.
One night stander #1 (seconds later, through the glass wall of the bathroom): Did you just... did you just PICK your NOSE and FLICK IT??
Silence.
One night stander #2: No?
One night stander #1: Get out.
We meant to cover the bathroom walls with paper for privacy but we were so busy and exhausted that week that we ended up averting our eyes instead and making our friends and family leave our room when we wanted to take a leak. It was awesome. I think it made us stronger as a couple. And it certainly made me appreciate solid doors.
So hey - if you and your lover are a pair of bathroom voyeurs, have I got a hot tip for you! And if you're not - maybe try the Radisson.
NB: This post is entirely composed of self-indulgent twaddle about Buffy the Vampire Slayer - the memories, the magic, the muff-diving. If you're not a Buffy fan, you probably won't give a wet slap. So...carry on.
NNB: Also, if you haven't finished all seven seasons and don't wanna know what happens, probably don't keep reading. Okay, thank you.
I deeply enjoy the Buffy, as you know, but I wouldn't describe myself as a rabid fan. I don't know the titles of most of the episodes - other than the lesbians, I didn't really care who was dating who - I didn't need to have long talks about it with other people on the internet. And while I was sad when the show ended, I admit that I greeted the "Season 8 in comic book form" news with a distinct lack of interest.
As I read more about Season 8, however, I became curious enough to put it on my wish list and I was thrilled to receive an unprecedented number of Buffy-related gifts this past birthday. FINALLY my parents are starting to understand that this "vampire show" thing is not just a PHASE. Among the Buffy bounty was a copy of Fray, which I didn't really know much about other than that it was set in the future and looked cool and stuff.
Fray was a very fun read (and I'm not really a "graphic novel" girl). Great artwork, compelling characters and those delightful turns of phrase and surprising plot twists that kept us all tuned in to Buffy for so long. I would have been happy to recommend it to any Whedon fan.
And now, thanks to my brother who just sent me a second copy of Fray as part of a delayed birthday reaction (not his fault), I am happy to actually give it away to a Whedon fan! Like you! Because while Buffy's gift may be "Death", MY gift is "re-gifting".
I promise I will have this shiny new copy of Fray in your hands by June 23rd - 'cause that's Joss Whedon's birthday. All you have to do is answer this Buffy meme that I just made up - on your own blog, in a Facebook note or in the comments, whatever works - and tell me you've done it and I'll enter your name in a draw! Or, if you don't feel like playing, you can just go buy it yourself - it's, like, $13. Go crazy!
The Buffy episode that first got you hooked was:Earshot (the one in Season 3, where Buffy can hear everyone's thoughts and the cafeteria lady tries to kill everyone). My roommate Jesk and I watched it because there was nothing else on TV that night. I was stunned by how funny it was. The moment where Xander catches the lunch lady? He stares. She stares. The rat poison keeps pouring. I died. We were INSTANTLY converts.
Favourite season: Season 4 will always hold a special place in my heart because it was the first whole season that I saw as it unfolded. Also, it was a tight season with a great story arc. Also, it contained this line: "She irons her jeans. She's EVIL."
Least favourite season: Hmm. Overall, I'd have to say Season 1. It's the only one I haven't bothered to buy. But there were parts of both 6 and 7 that I deeply hated.
Favourite episode(s): The one where Giles gets turned into a demon; the one where Tara's family comes to get her; the Zeppo; the one where Willow's spell goes wrong and Buffy and Spike get engaged; the one with two Willows; I could go on, but those are the first five that popped into my head.
Moment(s) when you said "Really? Must we?": Obviously, Tara getting killed was awful and while I get that's where they were going the whole season, I thought it blew. Also in Season 6, the whole Spike-on-Buffy relationship and then sexual assault and subsequent soul-getting and Season 7 craziness ... really? Also when Xander crapped out at the wedding. I mean, when Buffy had to kill Angel - or herself - THAT was some awesome, plot-serving, totally soul-crushing business. But Xander leaving Anya at the altar? Whatever. Man up.
When you saw the ending of Season 5 for the first time, you: Did the ugly cry, ate all of my roommate's chocolate-covered pretzels, stayed up on the internets all night trying to find out if it was really the end of all things Buffy and seriously considered taking a personal day off work to cope with my totally unexpected and strangely intense grief.
Best guest villain: I fucking love that Ethan Rayne. So slimey and limey.
Worst guest villain: Glory was such an awesome villain - so well-written, so fun, so much potential - and the actor who played her was so completely ass that she nearly turned me off Buffy for good. I don't know who Clare Kramer blew to get that gig, but she continued to blow through all of Season 5. I threw up in my mouth a little just now, thinking about it. GAH.
Favourite song from the musical episode, Once More, With Feeling: You'd think I'd go for the big lesbo number, but I actually prefer Spike's angsty ballad, Rest in Peace.
If you only had one episode to convince your Buffy-ignorant friend to fall in love with the show, you'd show them: Tough call. It depends on the person, really. I've tried several out on Katr and none of them took (although she did enjoy the musical). So if you have any insights in this area, I'd be pleased to hear them.
The question you wish I'd included in this quiz: Favourite relationship? Favourite line? Worst outfit? It's all up to you!
I know I'm not the only one who finds Dawn French fabulous. You know how I know? Because ever since I posted the photo below in relation to a post about vicars, the phrase "dawn french naked" is the top search term on my blog EVERY WEEK. I get more "dawn french naked" visits than I get "free porn podcast" visits. I also get "dawn french is hot" and "any pictures of dawn french naked". Oh, Dawn French. You are one luscious creampuff.
Gina Torres
There are other photos of Gina Torres out there, but this is still my favourite. I can't tell if she's saying "Get over here and I'll make you a woman" or "I filed that restraining order for a reason". Or possibly "make me a sandwich." I'd make you a sandwich any day, Gina Torres. Call me.
Emma Thompson
We were watching Harry Potter V the other night and even though I've seen it a few times and the scene is only, like, 30 seconds long, the part where Professor Trelawney is getting kicked out is so totally heartbreaking that I got a little misty. Oh, Emma Thompson. Even with the Coke bottle glasses and insane hippie hair, you still move me to tears. Also, why have I NEVER SEEN THIS PICTURE??
Katee Sackoff
I just got Season 3 of BSG on DVD and my fabulous friends Dapo and Jebr sent me the first two eps of Season 4 in the mail. I am primed for some BSG gluttony, people. But when?? When will I get my Cheetos and Starbuck time?? Why do I have so much work? And why is "paying the rent" and "wearing pants" so important to Katr? Sigh.
Queen Latifah
I'm pretending right now that I don't know she's currently schilling for Jenny Craig. Shhhh. Don't disturb my fantasy.
Christina Hendricks
I haven't seen the super-talented Christina Hendricks on Mad Men, mainly because we don't get whatever channel it's on. But I remember her extremely fondly from her tremendous performances on those two episodes Firefly. Just thinking about it makes me blush just a little. Hotness.
Eva Mendes
I never thought much about Eva Mendes until I saw her in Hitch (I'm a closet Will Smith fan. I don't know what it is...I love that Will Smith. Am I straight for Will Smith? Possibly.) She's so smart n' sassy and hilarious. Also, I have a feeling she'd boss you around and not put up with your crap and tell you to get over yourself. And you WOULD.
Drew Barrymore
Why is Drew Barrymore never on these lists? Sure, she has patchy taste in men and was in rehab before she could drive. But she's ADORABLE. And she has her own production company! And is reportedly extremely flexible!
Okay, I realize that this is only eight, but I'm fucked for time. Who will be my final two?? Will history decide? Will YOU?? I'm taking suggestions, people...
When I started blogging three years ago, I had to decide if I was going to have an anonymous blog or one with my actual name on it. I made a list of the pros and cons of anonymous vs. onymous blogging. It looked something like this:
Anonymous Blogging
Onymous Blogging
Trash whoever I want!! Yeeeeaaaaah!!
Have to "care" about other people's "feelings"
Share my innermost thoughts, fears and non-donut-related sexual fantasies with my readers
Ha ha NO
Perhaps no one will ever read it
My friends will read it just to shut me up
Can't publicly take credit for anything funny I might come up with
Fame! I want to live forever.
Obviously, vanity won out over the need to crap on people and you know what? I'm glad. Because I honestly think blogging has made me a nicer person. I like to think that I'm all tough and bitchy (and I certainly enjoy the gossip) but the truth is that I'm a big fucking marshmallow and nothing makes me sadder than hurting someone's feelings - even if it's someone who completely chaps my ass. So early on I adopted a strict blogging policy that I won't say anything about someone on my blog that I wouldn't be happy to say to them in real life, given the opportunity. That includes you, Louise.
That said, sometimes you don't GET the opportunity to say things to people in real life. Because at the time, they wouldn't shut the fuck up. What follows are a few things I wish I could have said to the gentleman I met in the dog park today.
You can smoke in the dog park. It's a free country. But could you not ASH ON MY DOG, DIPSHIT??
I can take your big dog barking its head off OR I can take you close-talking. But not both.
I do know where Brazil is. I do know they speak Portuguese there. I do know that Spanish and Portuguese have similarities but are not the same language. Just because YOU were ignorant of these facts before going to Brazil for three months does not mean that I was. Although I'm glad you learned something.
You do not have to "entertain me" with the three Portuguese phrases you "developed" during your time in Brazil. This isn't Blind Date. Although, if it was ... it wouldn't be going well.
I'm no Dog Whisperer, but I don't think that holding your dog's mouth closed and yelling "No bark!" in his face is an effective dog training technique. I question its effectiveness mainly because, when you finally let him go, he just barked louder. That's the only reason I didn't then hold your mouth closed and yell "No talk!" in YOUR face.
When someone is walking away from you, that's a pretty good hint that she doesn't need to hear any more pointless anecdotes. Don't blow your pointless anecdote wad all at once, pal! Save it up!
If you say "Thanks for listening" to someone as they're leaving, that says to me that you know you talk non-stop, but that you're not interested in changing that about yourself. And to that I say "Really? Then I'm not interested in being polite next time I see you! Score!"
So, AviatorGlasses BarkyDog - if you ever come across my blog, during your search for "entertaining Portuguese phrases for boring creampuffs at the dogpark" - this is what I would like to have said to you. So perhaps you were clever not to let me get an word in edgewise! Of course, I'm hoping that this was a one-time encounter - but just in case it wasn't, can anyone tell me the Portuguese for "no talk?" I wanna try something.
When my lovely and generous friend Ron Hudson told me he was sending me one of his signature lemon spice poundcakes of love in the mail, you can imagine my delight. Cake! IN THE MAIL!! Ron even made sure to send it so that it would arrive in time for Easter, so that we could celebrate the resurrection with style. The tomb is empty - He's eating my cake! I was very excited for cake and so was Katr.
Sadly, Canada Post had other plans for the poundcake. Plans that involved the cake not being delivered in a timely manner. Ron called me from North Carolina to see if it had arrived and I was chagrined to report it had not. Where was my cake?? Then, a couple of days ago, I got the delivery notice from the post office. My heart leapt! I dragged the dog up to Main and Hastings and triumphantly handed over my notice. The post office worker handed me an envelope from Indigo Books and nothing else. I stared at her. She stared at me. Impasse. "That's it?" I asked her, "Nothing ... ELSE?" She shook her head and indicated that my cornchip-smelling dog and I should beat feat.
Dejected, we returned home, only to find ANOTHER NOTICE from the post office in the mailbox! But the post office was closed for the day! Noooooooooooooooo!! CAKESPIRACY!!
And so finally, this morning, at the post office, I claimed my prize. I'm not going to lie to you - the weather was inclement:
but we were not downhearted! The cake box was the victim of heavy sleeting as we trudged home. Fortunately, Ron is a master of poundcake packing. Behold!
Not long now, little cake.
Wait a minute... how big is this cake??
This is several pounds of cake, Ron. SEVERAL POUNDS.
Obviously, we wasted no time slicing into this delicious, moist, lemony, spicy behemoth. I used Katr's grandmother's china, because I wanted the pictures to look like the beautiful pictures at yarnstorm.
I know - not quite. But the cake still looks gooooooood, Let's see it on its own...
Best. Cake. Ever. Oh delicious cake. Until you are finished, I will pretend you weren't made with 3 sticks of butter and 8 oz of cream cheese. Thanks so much, Ron! We are so honoured to be on the receiving end of your poundcake love!!
Because I am all about balance right now, I didn't want you all to feel jealous and deprived. So I thought I'd offer all of you a chance to get something lovely in the mail too!
My wife Katr is the queen of laptop bags. Did you know? It's true! Just go Google "laptop bags". The second or third result there? That's her. And she's having her very first laptop bag giveaway!
AND, because Katr is the queen of laptop bags and I am her court jester, she's offering a special giveaway just for you guys. If you blog about this Giddy Up giveaway on your own blogs and trackback here, Katr will enter your name to win another laptop bag. She gets many, many review copies of bags; if you win, you'll get to choose one from her magic bin of laptop bag love. There's some good stuff in there, people. Good stuff that I secretly covet.
I will keep my fingers crossed for all of you! Just as soon as I'm done savouring this latest slice of cake.
My lovely and talented friend, Toronto jazz diva Shannon Butcher, is about to release her new CD, Words We Both Could Say. You can preview four of the ten tracks on the album here and you can order your advance copy here. Do it! She is fabulous! We ordered our copies this evening and are gleefully tuning our phonograph in preparation for her fine, fine music. Can't wait to hear it, Shannon!
I was actually thinking about Shannon and her new CD (oh, and join her fan page on Facebook! Do it!) earlier this evening when I was out strolling with the hound. I'm a little worried that, with the release of her album on the horizon, she'll be too busy promoting her own brilliant work to help me out on my pet project; a CD of songs that I sing to the dog on our walks together. This could be a blessing, though - I can use the time to really hone my lyrics.
Here are some of the ones I'm working on:
Sometimes Pull-y Pups Don't Get To Go Where They Want
That'd Better Be Grass You're Eating
Your Kind Aren't Welcome at the Ivanhoe Pub
That Boy Dog Should Have Bought You Dinner First
Puddles
You'll Never Get Your Mouth On a Duck (So Give It Up)
It's Hard for a Girl Dog To Whiz on the Bushes (that's the country track)
That Frothy Gob Hanging from Your Schnozz is Deeply Fetching
Puddles (Vancouver remix)
These are just working titles, you understand. But I'm just getting started! And I'm not averse to turning this into a box set idea - perhaps paired with a CD of feline standards ("Your Face Got In The Way of My Claws Again") with a secret track about ferrets ("We're Not Weasels, We Just Look That Way")? What do you think, pet lovers? With Shannon so busy, I'm looking for collaborators!
Those who know me would not think it amiss if I were to describe myself as an "ice cream connaisseur". When we lived in Toronto, our place was just around the corner from a Baskin & Robbins 31 Flavours, which I referred to as "my local". I was in there at least once a week. Rafael and Julio, who owned the franchise, always had a tiny pink spoon at the ready for me to taste whatever was "new". Because they knew that if it was new, I would buy it.
I like a lot of stuff in my ice cream. Walnuts, pecans, almonds, peanuts, pralines. Cherries, raisins, strawberries, bits of orange peel. Clusters, nuggets, crackle, flakes, crumble, chunks. Coconut. Tiny peanut butter cups. Pretzels. Churros. Birthday cake. Ribbons of all kinds (fudge, butterscotch, caramel, honey). Baklava. Anything but marshmallow (GAH - a scourge upon the 'mallow!) and bubblegum, or, as I call it, "Satan's Chewy Asshole".
When we moved to Vancouver, it was hard - really hard - to go back to Ben & Jerry's and, occasionally, Haagen Daz after the ever-changing splendour that was Baskin & Robbins. Oh sure, I enjoy my Chunky Monkey, my Cherry Garcia Frozen Yogurt, my New York SuperFudge Chunk (I love many other flavours, but selection here in Canada is somewhat limited). And HD's Caramel Cone Explosion and, more recently, Sticky Toffee Pudding, is always a treat. But I yearn for the new. I CRAVE the new. When I see the new, I snap it up!
Now, I don't want to be a jerk. I'm sure Ben & Jerry work very hard. But I have to say that I haven't been taken with any of the recent Ben & Jerry flavours. An unaccountably curmudgeonly list of disappointments follows:
The Gobfather - First of all - it's best not to put the word "gob" in the name of a foodstuff. No one wants to eat anyone's gob. Also, with the chocolate ice cream and syrupy "ribbon" and chocolate covered whatevers, it was too sweet (which, for me, is really saying something. Because I will eat sugar cubes.)
Fossil Fuel - What's the difference between "ice cream" and "sweet cream"? All I know is that "sweet cream" made me want to erp. And the "cookie crumble" tasted like sand.
Peanut Butter Tracks - I LOVE peanut butter, peanut butter ice cream and peanut butter cups. And yet, the extremely waxy chocolate of the peanut butter cups displeased me. Why pay $6.49 for that when I can drip a melted candle into a jar of cold Skippy for practically nothing?
Strawberry Cheesecake - again, all the makings of a winner and I might have to chalk this one up to retailer error. Every Strawberry Cheesecake pint I've consumed (4 or 5) has contained, at some point in the pint, an impenetrable, fist-sized chunk of graham cracker "crust". The crust is extremely salty and not at all pleasant to consume in large quantities. Did each pint leave the factory in this condition? Or is there an unfreezing/graham-cracker-coalescing/refreezing sequence occurring somewhere on the journey?
Tortoise Soup - einh. Also, on the package, the cashews look a little like fetuses. I...I don't like that.
Banana Split - I saw this one last night and my heart leapt! Bananas! Strawberries! Fudge! I beetled home to try it and was annoyed that Katr made me eat a healthy meal of chicken curry and spinach first. I opened it early, to let it breathe and waited until it was just the right consistency before I dug in. I am sad to report that I found it rather tasteless. The chocolate clashed with the strawberry and zeroed out the banana.
Sigh. I'm about ready to give up on Ben and his pal Jerry. Am I crazy? Are there other flavours waiting to come north that I've not heard about? Any tips, fellow ice-cream lovers?
On the plus side, Ben & Jerry's failure to fulfill my ice cream needs spells economic prosperity for the one other purveyor of frozen desserts in my neighbourhood! The Amato Gelato at 2nd and Quebec can expect to see a lot more of me as the warmer weather approaches. What their gelato lacks in "stuff" it makes up for in variety. Blood orange sorbet - Italian wedding cake - their incomparable rum raisin - all will be enjoyed. And maybe, by the end of the summer, I'll have them trained to show me "what's new" when I come in. Because by then they will know that if it's new, I will buy it.
P.S. Ben & Jerry - I can't believe you gave Bovinity Divinity the axe but kept Phish Food around. Really? Marshmallow and fudge fish beat out sweet little white and milk chocolate cows? I don't get you guys.
I have decided that, so far, 33 is all about balance.
Personal
Earlier on the same day I bought the best jeans ever, it turns out that I also bought the worst jeans ever. I knew they weren't great when I tried them on, but at the time, I felt I wasn't in a position to be choosy and they fit - kinda. Why didn't I return them when I found my perfect jeans minutes later? Well, because I always need shlumpy jeans I don't care about to walk the dog in and these were on sale.
Once I started walking in them, it didn't take me long to figure out that there is nothing right about these jeans. They're just a little too short. They're strangely slim-fitting around the knees. They grip my stomach tightly, yet they simultaneously try to claw my ginch off my ass. They bunch weirdly around the thighs, a few inches below the crotchal area, which creates a lot of angry friction (not the sexy kind, you pervs) and now I have a big welt on the front of my leg. The final straw came yesterday, when I wore them to walk the dog up to the vet. After helping the vet hold the Emmy Lou down for her various check ups (Lovely vet over the sound of Emmy breathing hard like a warthog while she injects a vaccine: "She really doesn't like to be confined, does she?" Me, sweating and failing to grip my writhing, corn-chip smelling dog: "Nope.") I started to walk Emmy home and felt a breeze. Because my fucking fly was down.
These jeans make the Baby Jesus cry.
I can't wear them but I can't throw them out either. So I really hope that whoever ends up with them at the Goodwill finds them to be HER perfect jeans.
Professional
I submitted a short script for a festival here in Vancouver about a month ago and was supposed to hear about whether I got in this past Monday.
I was strangely excited about it - I thought my little script was a good fit and I haven't actually done any theatre in Vancouver yet and I thought this could be a fun way to start, yadda yadda. As the announcement date drew near, I found I was hanging around at home like a 10th grade girl waiting for her 12th grade possibly-maybe-quasi-boyfriend to call (mine always called - way too often, actually, but that's probably because he was gay too and didn't really know the protocol).
Yesterday, the phone finally rang - and it was one of my favourite Toronto theatre gals calling to tell me that an hilarious idea I emailed her about a couple of weeks ago looks like it's going to actually happen in the fall (I'll let you know what it is once we have an official title for it but trust me - you will ALL want to come.) We laughed our heads off talking about it and when I got off the phone, delighted, I noticed I'd gotten an email...rejection from the Vancouver folks. And I totally didn't care. HA ha!
Musical
I just noticed that the latest mix I made for my iPod includes both Choctaw Hayride by Allison Krauss & Union Station and Britney Spears' latest single Break the Ice. Maybe that's not balance, though - maybe that just means I'm a hick. Shut up.
I got Kate a Nabaztag for Christmas. Then she got ME one for my birthday! More on that later. The short version is: We're NERDS.
I've been yapping away to Katr about trying to find more balance lately, what with all the fun and frolic of wife life, work life, creative life, Dawn French, donuts, Gina Torres - and I've been having some success in these areas. So it's nice to feel that the universe is also supporting me in my efforts to achieve perfect balance.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go listen to Break the Ice while icing my welt.
I was at the Safeway yesterday afternoon, shopping for provisions after our return from Monterey. In the deli area, I spotted a rack of whole roasted chickens. Thrilled at the thought of not having to touch raw meat (and vaguely remembering Katr suggesting I "get a cooked chicken"), I moseyed over and selected a fowl. As I turned to walk away with my bird, I met the steely gaze of a lady in her middle years. She said:
"Excuse me. I had my eye on that chicken."
I proceeded to have the following thoughts:
"Really? This chicken? There are, like, eight other chickens here. Are we really going to throw down over this particular Safeway BBQ chicken?
Also . . . really? Lady - it's a chicken. There are far more dire things going on in the world than having some creampuff make off with the poultry you'd claimed IN YOUR MIND. Maybe if you visit my blog later this week, you can read about some of these things. Because this week, I have the very great honour of hosting my dear friend Ron Hudson's brilliant blog carnival, the International Carnival of Pozitivities. It will educate you and make you think. It will make you sad and it will give you hope. It will inspire you to get involved in the global fight against HIV/AIDS. Most importantly, it will give you some much needed perspective. In short, you'll so get over this chicken."
Sadly, I did not have the chance to deliver this speech to the lady who wanted my chicken, because while I was standing there thinking about it, she took the chicken and left. That's right. Removed it from me and departed. I fear my words would have been lost on her. Because clearly, she had her own problems. And possibly her own carnival. But the incident reminded me that having some perspective is pretty key and that I should work on that more. And also that total freaks shop at that Safeway.
Welcome!
Welcome to Edition 2.9 of the International Carnival of Pozitivities! The Carnival's mission is to provide a forum for those living with or
affected by the HIV/AIDS pandemic. As Ron says, this pretty much
includes everyone living on Earth today. Edition 2.8 of the Carnival was hosted by Dragonette over at NotPerfectAtAll , so be sure and check it out - great job, Dragonette!
Jealous? Don't Be - You Too Can Host the Carnival!
This is my second time hosting the carnival and I want to thank my friend Ron Hudson for giving me this opportunity to get involved and for making it such a breeze to host. Ron is looking for more folks to host the carnival on their blog in the coming months. Ron makes it extremely easy for us hosts and it doesn't matter if you usually just blog about your cat - every blog is welcome! Contact Ron to volunteer!
NAPWA expects that more individuals will come forward to tell their
stories about HIV. Through the series, NAPWA hopes to reduce stigma,
increase testing, and improve the use of social networks for people
living with HIV. There are lots of statistics about HIV, but data only
becomes real when it strikes home.
Suffering happens, but it doesn’t last forever, and every pain endured
contains a lesson to be learned. A warrior’s perspective can help us to
understand and accept the natural cycle of good times and bad times,
and to appreciate the uses of both.
African-American Resource Center -- Profiles in Courage: David P. Lee, posted at The Body
is a great, in-depth interview with David P. Lee about living with HIV,
African-American identity and HIV, Disclosure and Relationships and
other really interesting topics. There are lots of other profiles on
the site as well - amazing stuff.
When people ask me how I got HIV, my usual response is that, "I got it
by being a human doing human things." The question implies that you did
something bad and therefore deserved to get HIV. People do not usually
ask, "How did you get your cancer?" The truth of the matter is that
everyone who acquires HIV got it by being human -- period.
Brian Finch from acidrefluxweb.com blogged about what a relief it was to change his medication (and how much more stylish his new ones are) in Feb 5/08 Off the needle!.
Fuzeon is so 2001 anyway, I needed to keep up with what was more fashionable, and Integrase Inhibitors are it baby!
"Oh yes, I do love the Internet, and I guess it is a tool that has made
us gay Ugandans and Africans get out of our villages and realize that
the parish priest's homophobia is not universal opinion. Surprise,
surprise!"
Art & Crafts
VisualAIDS is a New York based
organization that "strives to increase public awareness of AIDS through the
visual arts, creating programs of exhibitions, events and publications, and
working in partnership with artists, galleries, museums and AIDS organizations".
Over at the Visual AIDS
Blog, Nelson Santos posted about some hot stickers and even hotter postcards (I blushed) last month in his post Safer Sex Broadsides. There are buttocks on display, so depending where you work, this might be NSFW.
Check out UK performance poet Cereal Killer's offering this carnival - a story called Deadline!.
Author RM Guzman is the creator of Alzmek: The Fictional Memoir of a Tainted Life. He says:
Although it is showing the "darker" side of HIV, it tells a story of
how one person could alter the lives of so many people. I promise the
main character does not villianize HIV, but rather, shows it in a
light we (as long term survivors) can identify, seeing the face of AIDS
change every single day.
The book has a website - www.alzmek.com and the main character blogs at www.alzmek.com/blog. This video below - AIDS: The Best of Sebastian Alzmek - was made to be shown at a presentation the author gave on February 29, 2008 in Los Angeles to a HIV/AIDS activism group.
WARNING: The video contains some graphic and disturbing images and is definitely NSFW.
One year ago I arrived in San Francisco for the first time. Since
then, my attention has been called to all the services and all the many
people and institutions that are always willing to help LGBTQ people
and people with HIV who come from anywhere in the world to this city.
In honor of the wonderful attention that San Francisco has given me and
many others who have come to the Bay Area, I decided to make this
painting.
FINALLY, some knitting! Rachel Walden at Women's Health News posted Knit a Condom Amulet! about the work A Little Red Hen's
Naomi Dagen Bloom (NYC activist and knitter) is doing to reduce the
stigma around carrying condoms and showing them off. I HAD to post a
picture - look how cute! I don't have much call for condoms in MY day
to day, but I know a few folks who might see these in their Solstice
stockings...
Carnival founder Ron Hudson of 2sides2ron posted this lovely piece Being You from Slovo to share his thoughts on a new song from UK band Slovo. It's a gorgeous song - give it a listen.
We all have our heroes and our angels. We know, love or care for
someone who is a source of strength to help us get through the tough
times of living with HIV/AIDS. I consider this song a tribute to those
people who have touched my life and given me the strength to carry on.
Ellen Landauer of Health Freedom Coaching covers some ways to combat anxiety and depression in her post Nutritional Supplements for Depression and Anxiety. It's a great article with lots of interesting information - but make sure you consult with a doctor before
supplementing your anti-HIV regimen to ensure that there are no drug
interactions.
Life coach Rob Moshe blogs about the rewards of helping others realize their potential in his post Live Your Best Life By Serving Others. While this article is not directly related to HIV/AIDS, it certainly resonates with the ideal of the ICP.
I have a particular interest in Herrera's post Diet Tips for Preventing High Cholesterol Levels on his blog Life. Money. Development.
'cause the high cholesterol runs in my family, like a fat gazelle.
These all look like great tips, but again, it's good to consult
your doctor about managing your cholesterol.
Romeo Vitelli at Providentia posted a piece called Why Aren't Some AIDS Patients Getting Treatment? about how "in a recently released study by the British Columbia Centre for Excellence in HIV-AIDS,
an alarming forty per cent of the people who died of HIV-AIDS in
British Columbia never sought life-saving treatment even though it was
free." A really interesting article about how the costs of medications aren't the only barriers to treatment.
In the Caribbean, the most stigmatized groups that have HIV/AIDS are
homosexuals (particularly men) and sex workers. As a result of this
stigmatization, homosexuals and sex workers are denied health care and
are victims of harassment and hate crimes in many Caribbean islands.
Last year, MedMira obtained government approval, including in the MR, for selling it's Multiplo
combination HIV/HCV rapid test. No easy feat for any company. To make
any progress in Russia, you must have a highly and well connected
partner. Not simply one that pays bribes, it goes beyond that.
The End? The Beginning!
Thank you all for coming and reading and thinking and clicking. Hope
this edition of the ICP helped, inspired and interested you. If you liked what you read, please take the time to leave comments on the contributors' blogs and let them know. We all love feedback!
As of this post, Ron is still looking for someone to host April's carnival. If you're interested, step into his office! I bet he'll make you tea. Or at least a pound cake. Because he's lovely.
Tomorrow is Canada Day! Yay Canada! Oh, Canada - you're not perfect, but you are definitely worth celebrating. I plan to observe this national holiday by belting out my favourite patriotic tune, The Canada Song, and consuming unseemly amounts of our national drink - Slurpees. With just a touch of vodka.
Those who know me would not think it amiss if I were to describe myself as an "ice cream connaisseur". When we lived in Toronto, our place was just around the corner from a Baskin & Robbins 31 Flavours, which I referred to as "my local". I was in there at least once a week. Rafael and Julio, who owned the franchise, always had a tiny pink spoon at the ready for me to taste whatever was "new". Because they knew that if it was new, I would buy it.
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