Creampuff Revolution

Creampuff Is Still Within the Rules

When I started blogging three years ago, I had to decide if I was going to have an anonymous blog or one with my actual name on it. I made a list of the pros and cons of anonymous vs. onymous blogging. It looked something like this:

Anonymous Blogging	Onymous Blogging
Trash whoever I want!! Yeeeeaaaaah!!	Have to "care" about other people's "feelings"
Share my innermost thoughts, fears and non-donut-related sexual fantasies with my readers	Ha ha NO
Perhaps no one will ever read it	My friends will read it just to shut me up
Can't publicly take credit for anything funny I might come up with	Fame! I want to live forever.

Obviously, vanity won out over the need to crap on people and you know what? I'm glad. Because I honestly think blogging has made me a nicer person. I like to think that I'm all tough and bitchy (and I certainly enjoy the gossip) but the truth is that I'm a big fucking marshmallow and nothing makes me sadder than hurting someone's feelings - even if it's someone who completely chaps my ass. So early on I adopted a strict blogging policy that I won't say anything about someone on my blog that I wouldn't be happy to say to them in real life, given the opportunity. That includes you, Louise.

That said, sometimes you don't GET the opportunity to say things to people in real life. Because at the time, they wouldn't shut the fuck up. What follows are a few things I wish I could have said to the gentleman I met in the dog park today.

• You can smoke in the dog park. It's a free country. But could you not ASH ON MY DOG, DIPSHIT??


• I can take your big dog barking its head off OR I can take you close-talking. But not both.


• I do know where Brazil is. I do know they speak Portuguese there. I do know that Spanish and Portuguese have similarities but are not the same language. Just because YOU were ignorant of these facts before going to Brazil for three months does not mean that I was. Although I'm glad you learned something.


• You do not have to "entertain me" with the three Portuguese phrases you "developed" during your time in Brazil. This isn't Blind Date. Although, if it was ... it wouldn't be going well.


• I'm no Dog Whisperer, but I don't think that holding your dog's mouth closed and yelling "No bark!" in his face is an effective dog training technique. I question its effectiveness mainly because, when you finally let him go, he just barked louder. That's the only reason I didn't then hold your mouth closed and yell "No talk!" in YOUR face.


• When someone is walking away from you, that's a pretty good hint that she doesn't need to hear any more pointless anecdotes. Don't blow your pointless anecdote wad all at once, pal! Save it up!


• If you say "Thanks for listening" to someone as they're leaving, that says to me that you know you talk non-stop, but that you're not interested in changing that about yourself. And to that I say "Really? Then I'm not interested in being polite next time I see you! Score!"

So, AviatorGlasses BarkyDog - if you ever come across my blog, during your search for "entertaining Portuguese phrases for boring creampuffs at the dogpark" - this is what I would like to have said to you. So perhaps you were clever not to let me get an word in edgewise! Of course, I'm hoping that this was a one-time encounter - but just in case it wasn't, can anyone tell me the Portuguese for "no talk?" I wanna try something.

Creampuff Just Wants You to Realize Your Potential

We're coming up on the 2008 Olympics and it's looking like my dream - competing in the 2008 Creampuff Olympics - will have to die, chiefly because I didn't get around to actually organizing them. But all is not lost. I might be able to salvage my dream the way ballet mothers do - by forcing it on my kids. Or, in my case, our dog.

I have a casual, chatty relationship with a few of the dog owners I see on our regular walks. When I was out with Emmy yesterday, we ran into Rubber Boots McPointerOwner (none of us know each other's names. I'm sure she refers to me as Fattie McWrinkleDog). We got to talking about the Olympic village they're building across False Creek from the park where we often meet.

"It's a shame," she says, in her jaunty British accent, "that they don't have an Olympics for dogs. They should have their goals in life too, don't you think?"

I agreed enthusiastically as I watched her dog do a full-twisting double layout before catching her floppy pink frisbee. Her dog's coat glistened in the sun. I turned to my dog, who was sniffing some dirt nearby.

"What do you think, Emmy? Should we put you in the Doglympics?"

Emmy started choking on the dirt as Rubber Boots McPointerOwner and I looked on. "Better start training now," said Rubber Boots, as her dog leapt in a graceful arc over Emmy's back to retrieve the frisbee again. Emmy sneezed dirt on my pants.

I'm quite excited by the idea of Doglympics, truth be told, but I think I may have to skew a few categories to favour our hound. Sure, we can have Agility, Musical Canine Freestyle and Pulka, but I think we may also need to add the following Doglympic sports just for Emmy Lou:

Freestyle Duck-Hassle

 

Rodentia Flush Out

Synchronized Butt Sniff

Defiant Stare Relay

Kong Lick

Independent Exploration

Bath Avoidance (a sub-category of Independent Exploration)

Bed Detection

I think that pretty much covers it - our pooch is poised to take the gold!! Unless you guys have some other "sport" suggestions...

Creampuff Knows She's the One

I'm having an ass-tastic day of shit and worry (the existential crisis kind, not ACTUAL PROBLEMS). Two things are making me feel better:

1. Far From Over by Frank Stallone, which I downloaded so that I could relive in my mind the awesome "getting ready for the most horrible show on Broadway" montage from the 1983 film Staying Alive.

2. Katr. She has been putting up with my shit and worry all day - listening, stroking, making reasonable suggestions, making lunch. And just now she took one look at my angst face (she knew it was my angst face because before I took the dog out for a micro-stroll, I demonstrated the face) and said chipperly:

"Wanna start drinking?"

It's in these special moments that you realize you've married the right person.

UPDATE: Oh my god, LOOK WHAT I FOUND!!

Staying Alive - Far from Over
Uploaded by nightwind23

Creampuff Receives May Flowers to Counter April Showers

I'm getting to that delicious point of tired - that point where you've been getting up too early, working for several hours on something you really like and then going to bed too late for days and days - where you start to feel nauseated all the time and your hair looks like Buckwheat because you had your "morning shower" at 11 p.m. and then slept on it and everything seems either TRAGIC or HILARIOUS. Hahahaaa - hilarious!! All caps is HILARIOUS!!

Fortunately for you, I'm just stopping by here to share some Monday morning cute-osity and report that this hat:

has found its way to this extremely innocent baby:

"What seems to be the problem, officer? No, that's not my weed. No, it's not."

"Hee hee - it WAS my weed! Lucky I kept the rest under my hat...Where are those Cheetos?"

Oh, the cuteness of this baby! The chubby cheeks! The mischievous expression! This jumper makes her head look like the topmost flower of a stalk of beautiful flowers. I would like a shirt like that and on the back, I would write "I'm a delicate flower - you asshole" because I always thought that would be funny.

Baby Elsa's mom, a friend of Katr's, sent these pics in accompanied by the nicest note ever:

Here are a few pics of Elsa in the hat. … the most beautiful hat in the world …. I think Rosemary could go into business selling these hats. I’ve had so many compliments on how adorable the hat is … in fact people comment on the hat and not the baby…. But I’m ok with that, we don’t want her getting a big head!

I was so flattered and flushed with her compliments that I briefly considered following her suggestion and going into the baby hat business. I love knitting! And babies, from afar. But then Katr pointed out that it takes around eight hours to knit these things and I can only knit for about four hours at a time and the yarn ain't free and that at even a fraction of my going rate, I would have to charge around $200 for each hat to keep the dog in her fancy designer kibble.

So people who are actually in the hat business? You can stop looking over your shoulder and relax.

I wish you all a most fabulous week!