Creampuff Is Still Within the Rules

When I started blogging three years ago, I had to decide if I was going to have an anonymous blog or one with my actual name on it. I made a list of the pros and cons of anonymous vs. onymous blogging. It looked something like this:

Anonymous Blogging	Onymous Blogging
Trash whoever I want!! Yeeeeaaaaah!!	Have to "care" about other people's "feelings"
Share my innermost thoughts, fears and non-donut-related sexual fantasies with my readers	Ha ha NO
Perhaps no one will ever read it	My friends will read it just to shut me up
Can't publicly take credit for anything funny I might come up with	Fame! I want to live forever.

Obviously, vanity won out over the need to crap on people and you know what? I'm glad. Because I honestly think blogging has made me a nicer person. I like to think that I'm all tough and bitchy (and I certainly enjoy the gossip) but the truth is that I'm a big fucking marshmallow and nothing makes me sadder than hurting someone's feelings - even if it's someone who completely chaps my ass. So early on I adopted a strict blogging policy that I won't say anything about someone on my blog that I wouldn't be happy to say to them in real life, given the opportunity. That includes you, Louise.

That said, sometimes you don't GET the opportunity to say things to people in real life. Because at the time, they wouldn't shut the fuck up. What follows are a few things I wish I could have said to the gentleman I met in the dog park today.

• You can smoke in the dog park. It's a free country. But could you not ASH ON MY DOG, DIPSHIT??


• I can take your big dog barking its head off OR I can take you close-talking. But not both.


• I do know where Brazil is. I do know they speak Portuguese there. I do know that Spanish and Portuguese have similarities but are not the same language. Just because YOU were ignorant of these facts before going to Brazil for three months does not mean that I was. Although I'm glad you learned something.


• You do not have to "entertain me" with the three Portuguese phrases you "developed" during your time in Brazil. This isn't Blind Date. Although, if it was ... it wouldn't be going well.


• I'm no Dog Whisperer, but I don't think that holding your dog's mouth closed and yelling "No bark!" in his face is an effective dog training technique. I question its effectiveness mainly because, when you finally let him go, he just barked louder. That's the only reason I didn't then hold your mouth closed and yell "No talk!" in YOUR face.


• When someone is walking away from you, that's a pretty good hint that she doesn't need to hear any more pointless anecdotes. Don't blow your pointless anecdote wad all at once, pal! Save it up!


• If you say "Thanks for listening" to someone as they're leaving, that says to me that you know you talk non-stop, but that you're not interested in changing that about yourself. And to that I say "Really? Then I'm not interested in being polite next time I see you! Score!"

So, AviatorGlasses BarkyDog - if you ever come across my blog, during your search for "entertaining Portuguese phrases for boring creampuffs at the dogpark" - this is what I would like to have said to you. So perhaps you were clever not to let me get an word in edgewise! Of course, I'm hoping that this was a one-time encounter - but just in case it wasn't, can anyone tell me the Portuguese for "no talk?" I wanna try something.

Comments

[Drew]

Aside from the dogs, your encounter sounds like the dates I go on.

[ben]

My folks are going to Vancouver next month and I really wish it were Calvin and me instead so that we could be nasty words to all kinds of people who don't deserve niceness. But alas...

[roro]

Drew - That's the saddest thing ever, man. But I also laughed really hard. I love you and I'm sorry.

Ben - I wish it was you and Calvin too! Can't you just hitch a ride?

[(Not-so) Cynical Knitting Gal]

I LOVE your Onymous blog. I'm so thankful for it.

[Monica Hamburg]

Greatly enjoyed this - I have had many similar encounters. Oh how I wished you had held his mouth closed and yelled "NO TALK"...

[red mojo]

"No bark", jesus, what a dolt. Obviously his dog was either trying to tell him he left the kettle on, or trying to tell you to run the fuck away!

[wenders]

Oh, dog ownership. It brings so many unexpected joys.

That man sounds like an asshat.

[syd]

Times like that, don't you want to break out the PeeWee Herman "LALALALA...I can't heeeear you"...

[The Viscount]

Portuguese for "no talk": Elbow-drop to the neck. It's very similar in Spanish.

[SassyFemme]

My blog has become a blend of anonymous and not-so-anonymous. As I've gotten to be friends with folks through blogging it blends together more and more. Sometimes weird, always good.

[PainterWoman]

Fabu post. If you listened THAT long, you should get paid therapist rates!!

[Winter]

Lol!

Bad for you, but funny for us.

[dawn]

this is totally hilarious and reminds me of something almost entirely unrelated that happened to me on the bus today. the bus was super crowded and i was trying to burrow my way from the back to the door, along with another chick who was just as buried as i was in the pile-up of unpleasant youth. i guess we both brushed against this same young fellow in a way he didn't like because he said, and i quote, "some bitches are gonna start gettin' slapped if them bitches don't start sayin' excuse me." so i turned to him. i looked in his eyes. and i swear to you, i made the "bring it" gesture. then i got off the bus. :-) little fucker.

[scarybez]

hahahaha I just copied and pasted "entertaining Portuguese phrases for boring creampuffs at the dogpark" into google and you were the first on the list. Amazing! (but not surprising)

[roro]

Not-So Cynical Knitting Gal - thank you!! That's so lovely.

Monica - Me too! Next time for sure.

red mojo - Totally! I should have listened to the dog. Animals have a sense about these things.

wenders - So true. If only he'd be wearing his ass on his head. Then I would have known.

syd - Oh, PeeWee - so many lessons to learn from.

Viscount - HAHAHAHAAAAA! You're so international, Viscount! Thanks for the tip.

SassyFemme - I hear you. It's a hard balance to find - but sometimes weird, always good sounds like it's working fine.

PainterWoman - I agree! I should do up an invoice for next time I see him.

Winter - I admit, I *did* think "Hey - at least I can blog about this" as I walked away furious.

dawn - You are so badass!! I love that story. Well done.

scarybez - Excellent!! That's all my SEO training coming to the fore. Time well spent, that.

[Ben]

Late on this...but wondering why the use of a stockphoto when you have THAT EXACT SAME POSE in about 28 pictures from your wedding...if you're going to use the pose, be proud enough to show it. Just sayin...

[roro]

I see your point, Ben! And I did think about it at the time. But in the end, I didn't want to associate the most joyful event of my life with the angry words I *wish* I'd said to some shit slice in the park. You know how it is...