No Molestar the Creampuffs

Oh the weather outside is frightful

But our honeymoon photos are delightful

And since we've no place to go, because I already walked the dog to a fabled dog park far away in the driving rain and ended up muddied from ankle to thigh

Let's make with the posting already

The morning after our big gay wedding, Katr and I left our patient and wonderful friends to look after the last few post-wedding errands in Toronto while we took off for our big gay two-week honeymoon at the Excellence Riviera Cancun. We'd had about two hours sleep and Katr still had a head full of bobby pins from her princess hair-do the night before. We barely made it through security. But soon we were winging our way to paradise! Sweet, boozy paradise.

We were worried that, because we're homos, we'd have to fight to get all the honeymoon perks the resort promises newlyweds, but we were thrilled to find the honeymoon banner on our door and the champagne chilling and the lurve swans on the bed when we arrived. Because nothing says hot, sweaty love like swans made of towels. Jealous?

For the first few days, we barely left the room and kept the "No Molestar" sign on the day to discourage housekeeping from molestaring us. I'm sure, between the honeymoon banner and the constant "No Molestar" sign, everyone thought we were doing dirty things in there. They were right - we were doing the hottest thing you can do on your honeymoon. SLEEPING. FOR REAL. We were so effing tired it took us two days to even notice the view from our swim-out suite:

This is the pool our suite was on. We were sad at first that "our" pool did not boast a swim-up bar. That's before we ventured into the strangely murky pool which did have the swim-up bar, where frat boys would do 15 shots of tequila and then hunker down in a corner with their creepily billowing trunks to whiz in the pool. We did not return to the swim-up bar.

The beach - salty!

On our day trip to Xel-ha, you could molestar the dolphins for $150 USD. We snorkeled instead.

At Xel-ha, you can molestar the lizards for free.

"Where's the ladies shitter?" "I don't think they call it that in Mexico. Look for shitter mujeres."

On the same day trip, we went to the magnificant Mayan ruins at Tulum. I refused to follow our tour group because I'm a rebel! Plus I knew they wouldn't let me re-enact key scenes from Apocalypto with so many tourists around.

Katr scored by finding the part of the ruins where the Mayans sat down.

I got in the way of my own pictures. Why does it look like someone threw a glass of milk on my face? Biodegradable sunscreen. Am I turning you on?

How about now?

Almost every night at the resort, they had some kind of entertainment. It was usually nubile young Mexicans dancing in skimpy outfits. No complaints here. Except this part, where I complain about these outfits. What are these guys wearing? I had to order an extra pina colada just to deal with those ruffles. Plus all that junk in my face.

Our instructor, Jesus, was unwilling to be photographed before the tequila tasting.

Katr was a willing student. Donde esta la tequila, Katr?

One afternoon we came back to our room to find these same sex swans by our jacuzzi tub! Perhaps someone on the staff figured out that we weren't just fat sisters who liked to grab-ass in the pool? We left an extra big tip for housekeeping the next day.

Nice hat, Mayan.

I couldn't take any good shots at night. Because I'm an incompetent photographer? Yes. But also because I was drunk.

Man, registering for a honeymoon was the smartest thing we ever did. Our blissful two weeks in Cancun was the best wedding gift we could ever have received. Thank you so much to all of you who contributed!! We were a little sad to come home, but then again, we knew we were coming home to this:

And nothing softens the blow of a honeymoon ending like a cute pooch sacked out on top of a duck who's clearly saying "Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the poliiiiiiiice".

Comments

[Kristen]

Looks lovely. I am so glad you were treated well. Lots of great memories for years to come!

[michelle]

ooh, pretty pictures!

while i want to say "it looks like a beautiful place to relax (and i'm sure the tequila helped)" all I can seem to hear in my head is "does that man have ruffles...on his ASS?"

[dawn]

oh you crack me up. :-) so exciting that you made it down to tulum. my crazy ex wife and i spent a few days in tulum in 2005. it was sooooo sweet down there (compared to cancun which was like mexican miami). though they were doing a lot of construction, which led me to believe they were swelling up with tourists. we stayed one night in a concrete "cabana" (read: hovel) on the beach, then a few nights in the town itself. and we ate every single day at charlie's on the main strip. i had the best sangria there and the best black beans and rice and saw the best traditional dance. ah yes... tulum was good to us. glad you two love birds had fun.

[heather]

I still have pictures of the towel elephants and animals from our honeymoon and love that the staff clued in it should be two female swans! (p.s. am trying to blog again)

[cam]

Hey dear cousin, glad to see the two you had a great time in Mexico.

I just posted a link to your blog to someone on Facebook. When I punch in your URL, Facebook says the link is to:

Creampuff Revolution
Fat. Naked. Dangerous.

Your blog even has hidden meta hilarity!

[wenders]

You've ruined my dream of a swim-up bar. . .

Looks like y'all had an AMAZING time. I think I might need to learn how to make towel animals for when people come stay with me at my third-floor walkup. . . !

[seizuresalad]

Excellent pics, I'm so glad you two had such a good time :)

[syd]

The pictures are effing gorgeous.

Now, I must go reapply my eye makeup (which I first applied while driving to work this morning). Your commentary seriously KILLED.

And Molestar will be used in my home every day from now on.

[roro]

Kristen - Me too! It was pretty great and as you say, the memories - oh, the memories.

michelle - Hahahahaa! I'm not sure if that's a man or a woman working those ass ruffles - either way, it was cold, wet and wrong.

dawn - Tulum was very cool but yes, more touristy by the second, from what I understand. I think we saw the dance while we were on our way to the ruins! Did it involve five guys, a big pole and crazy hats? Oh, good times, dawn. Good times!

heather - We were hoping for towel elephants, but the swans were pretty cool. But forget about towel art - congrats on being knocked up!!

cam - Hahahaa! Oh, hilarious cousin. It's all about the hidden tagline, grasshopper. We did indeed have a great time down south, but as you suggested in your last comment, we were totally jealous of your Barrie vacation. JEALOUS!!

wenders - Sorry to whiz all over your swim-up bar dreams. It's a hard reality to face. But towel animals soften the blow! They had a class on how to make them, but we missed it . . . maybe next time.

seizuresalad - Thanks!! And thanks for hanging on to all our crap while we were gone! You guys are so good to us . . .

syd - Hahahahaaaaa! I can't wait to hear stories of you molestaring K, the cows, the dogs, etc. It NEVER GETS OLD.

[greymatters]

Gawd, I love your blog, Roro.

I am envious, deep f-ing pea green. What a view -- of the ruins, of the shitter, of the dancer's mooseknuckles, and of the swan towels.

[dawn]

no, the dance we saw at charlie's was more like belly dancing with hot, nearly-nude chicks. on the whole, much better than your banana hammock dance... in my humble opinion. that said, maybe "traditional" isn't the right way to describe it...

[Aphra]

It looks fantastic. I feel compelled to try and make a towel swan.

On a completely different note, last night I dreamed you came to visit me. But I had to go out on jury service and when I came home you'd painted my bedroom with this sparkly silver paint and I was like "Ooh, that's interesting!"

[SassyFemme]

I just love those towel swans!

It looks and sounds like an absolutely wonderful time. I'm so happy for you guys (and jealous that you get to be legally married!).

[Cynical Knitting Gal]

Hilarious. We slept the whole way through from 4 pm until like 7 when we had our first night of Honeymoon.

I love the swans!

And, thanks for the contest entry...I love the idea, but alas the sibs are not always a unit, only sometimes.

[roro]

greymatters - Hahahahaaaa! Oh, mooseknuckles. That never gets old. Thank you, my friend.

dawn - I wish we'd seen the dance you describe - we would definitely have tipped more.

Aphra - Hahaahahaaa! Fantastic! I love that I was so industrious in your dream. And that you were so polite about the paint.

Cynical Knitting Gal - Ah, good to know about the siblings. And I'm glad we're not the only ones who celebrated our nuptials by snoring for several hours.