Creampuff Glamour

I usually avoid the cosmetics department. I don't really wear much make-up (a little mascara and '80's style eyeliner) and every time I walk through one of those places I either:

a) get hassled for a makeover, until they get a good look at my ass and realize that I might crush their delicate, distressed wire stools or

b) get guerilla-spritzed with Sarah Jessica Parker's Covet.

But our big gay wedding is coming up and we'd like to look good in our pictures and our lovely friend Mach volunteered to do our wedding makeup for us and we don't actually own any makeup, so yesterday found Mach, Katr and I deliberately entering the cosmetics department of the Bay for some makeover fun. Jealous?

We had initially planned to go to MAC, but they were very busy and important at MAC - too busy for last minute creampuffs. We were then drawn to the super-cool packaging at Benefit, but, while there was a makeover station all set up, there was no one working the counter. We waited around for several minutes, touching all the stuff and then finally asked the girl at MAC where the Benefit girl was. She told us that she'd never actually seen anyone working at Benefit. Good job, Benefit.

The MAC girl then pointed us towards Cargo, where the stools were sturdy, the brand was Canadian and they had Halloween candy in a bowl. It's like they knew we were coming.

There was some initial confusion over why we were there:

Mach: They're getting married and we need some makeup.

Cargo Lady: It's for a wedding? Which one of you is getting married?

Us: We both are.

Cargo Lady: Wha-? At the same time?

Us: To each other.

Pause while the Cargo Lady got it.

Cargo Lady: Ohhhhhhhh! Well, hey hey!

Minutes later I was perched on a stool, being brushed with foundation by makeup artist Kelly, while Katr was prepped on another stool and Mach looked on, taking notes and eating tiny Coffee Crisps. Kelly, who also does makeup for tv and movies, had some helpful tips for good "picture" makeup - nothing that's shiny and lots of contouring to create shadows. As she "minimized" my chins and created some cheekbones, I was reminded of that scene in Roxanne when Steve Martin tries to downplay his Cyrano schnozz with some dark shading action. I laughed a little to myself, then choked on the powder. Then Kelly nearly poked my eye out with a Q-Tip.

I expected to feel spackled, with all the foundation and powder and contouring powder and blush and eyeshadow and eyeshadow and eyeshadow and cream eyeliner and powder eyeliner and mascara and lipliner and lip gloss and I also expected to look, as my grandfather used to say, like a hoor. But it all felt very lightweight and I have to say that in the store, under the very bright lights, I looked pretty good. Still like me, but faker.

The lovely Katr was pleased with her look too and when it was all over, we bought alot of Cargo stuff. Probably too much stuff. In fact, between what we bought and the "gifts with purchase" I think we may have enough to go into the makeup business ourselves. We'd call our line Argo - Gently Distressed Cosmetics and all of the packaging would have mysterious holes right in front of the "Argo".

Starving and exhausted by the glamour of it all, Mach, Katr and I took our bags to a nearby eatery and chowed down. Later, in low light of the bathroom at the restaurant, I checked out my face - still looking good. But when we returned to our hotel, I saw the makeup for the first time under regular light.

It was like Sigourney Weaver, when she gets possessed by Zoul in Ghostbusters, had mated with the giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and I was their demon love-child.

Good thing the wedding is at night. Mach - work your magic!

In other news, it's October 26th! Strange Sisters at Buddies in Toronto! Urban Tales 10 - BiFurious! at Northern Light in Edmonton! Have a fabulous weekend!

Comments

[Drew]

Totally jealous of the mini Coffee Crisps. They did know you were coming.

Good luck tonight!

[ers]

Remember that scene in "the Truth about Cats and Dogs" where Jeaneane Garofalo goes into the cosmetics dept. and ends up in the shoe dept. crying about her makeover and all the money she just spent? Awesome. Looking forward to seeing you tonight - Barah and I plan to arrive around 7:30...xoxo

[ers]

Okay, now all I can think about is that scene-

Cosmetics Saleslady: We also have this new face cream which neutralizes the free radicals that attack the skin. Let me ask you - what's your skin regime?

Jeaneane: My regime? The regime from which the radicals are trying to get free? Are we selling face cream or staging a coup?

I am so watching that this weekend.

[Cheryl]

I think looking a *bit* faker than usual is fine. However, you and Katr both have lovely skin though and like many of the people who appear on TLC's What Not To Wear and get spackled by the Overly Enthusiastic Brush-Waving Makeup Artist (who almost always starts by unenvironmentally aerosoling spray foundation on some sort of sponge for a "light" application that never looks all that light) I suspect that foundation is unnecessary for either of you, even for pictures. I don't understand the cosmetological theory of erasing all of your natural features with foundation and powder and then painting fake ones over it. I say, embrace whatever pallor and freckles you've been endowed with! Let them shine through! Maybe a little under-eye concealer in case you're up late with friends & family the night before the big day, but I am pro-looking-like-yourselves.

That said, I think there is a great deal of fun to be had with proper eyeshadow colors and some decent mascara, maybe some lipgloss. Not the flavored kind, because that never lasts. Though it's tasty. And you have to steer clear from the really sticky kind because you don't want to get stuck together when it's time to kiss the bride. Because, you know, AWKWARD.

Those are my makeuppy thoughts. I can't wait to see you!

xoxo

p.s. LOVE ers' shout-out to Janeane Garofalo. Who rocks, always.

[heather]

So long as you're smarter than me (who hired the common law wife of a man who used to stalk me to do the makeup for my wedding) I'm sure you'll both gorgeous on your wedding day. Meh she was cheap and I avoided the "shot with a paint gun" look.

[syd]

When you told the lady you were both getting married...did she look something like this?

[greymatters]

It was like Sigourney Weaver, when she gets possessed by Zoul in Ghostbusters
*****

Just so one of you don't look like Rick Moranis/Keymaster in Ghostbusters?

[PainterWoman]

I hope you'll post photos (and wished you'd posted at least partial photos) so we can see for ourselves. Years ago I took DD, DS and my own self to Glamour Shots for photos. Even though our ages at the time were 13,10 and 41 we ALL looked looked like 26 yr old "hoors" as you said. DD thought it was neat because I didn't usually let her wear make up. I thought it was neat, because as with you, several chins disappeared, and cheek bones appeared. DS liked that he could wear a leather jacket... totally missing the fact that biker dudes do NOT WEAR PANCAKE.

[SassyFemme]

I love playing at makeup counters and having the women do their makeup thing with me. Fran on the other hand, would never let them touch her!

[Lex]

I never have good excuses to use all the makeup application skills I learned from 70s Cosmo magazines. So you can expect extensive makeup and possibly even green glitter eye shadow to match my dress... any "hoor" comments will be met with a withering eyebrow-raise and a middle-finger raise complete with green polished fake nail.

[wenders]

The last time I went in for a free makeover/consultation at Sephora, it was for one of the NINE weddings in which I have been a bridesmaid. . .

I left, having purchsed green glitter eyeliner. Which I have never used, and which tells you that you could sell me just about anything.

So, my word of advice in all of that is: as long as you didn't buy glitter, you should be safe.

Oh, and so glad my mom shared the Glamour Shots story.

[Lex]

wenders - I did that glamour shots thing too... a present for my man. The only good shot that came out of it was when I got seriously goofy and told them how I was going to pose. But the makeup - gack! They did me in oranges because it worked better for black & white photos...

It did NOT work better walking home.

[roro]

Drew - It's true. How did they know?? Thanks for the good luck! I both needed it and had it.

ers - I totally love that scene, especially Uma Thurman saying "I'd fuck you." and Janeane Garofalo saying "Thank you, honey, I know you would." Oh, good times. Know what else is good times? The Prairie Girl's Guide to Life!!! Now I know how to cure my own meat.

Cheryl - Yeah, what is with that Carmindy on WNTW? I am no fan of the mask with painted on cheeks. And I will heed your warning about the sticky lip gloss. No one should have to use the jaws of life to pry us apart at our wedding. Maybe on our honeymoon though . . .

Heather - Hahahaaaa! Yeah, good tip. "shot with a paint gun" - NOT HOT.

Syd - HOW DID YOU KNOW?? hahahahaaaaaaa!!

greymatters - Good point. So long as neither of us wears glasses or gets possessed by a devil dog on the day, we should be okay . . .

PainterWoman - Glamourshots!!!!!! That is so totally awesome. I'm sure you were all adorable. As for pictures - never!!!

SassyFemme - Tell Fran I'm with her.

Lex - I can't wait! Green is very fetching on you . . .

wenders - I love it when your mom tells stories about you! And I hear you on the green glitter eyeliner. I was looking through some of the stuff we bought earlier today and thought "Holy crap! This'll never see the light of day again!" Sigh . . .

Lex - Hubba hubba! Was it a boudoir shot?

[Abi]

I'm starting the wedding planning process and I hate it. Hate, hate, hate. Mostly because I live in the Bay Area and things are so expensive here that I want to just laugh at all of the venue and catering websites. Uh, $3,500 to rent the equivalent of a city park for an hour? No thank you, psychos.

This makes me enjoy your blog all the more.

[seizuresalad]

I agree with the Janeane Garofalo love, and with the comments about the niceness of the Roro and the Katr skin, don't go too crazy with the spackle.

I was recently the best (wo)man at a friend's wedding, and the bride took her bridesmaid person and I to a salon to get done up. Jeepers, I had the most unflattering early 80's upper/lower black eyeliner thing going on...I kept asking for Audrey Hepburn and I got Joan Jett, had to wipe it off and have a do-over before pictures.

[Benjamin Boudreau]

"It was like Sigourney Weaver, when she gets possessed by Zoul in Ghostbusters, had mated with the giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and I was their demon love-child."

Bahahaha! Toronto will be a blast. Congratulations right back atcha!

[ally]

I'm not a makeup person. I believe that you've shown a great deal of gumption to even go near those counters. I agree with wenders that as long as there is no glitter involved you'll be okay.

[belledame222]

Argo - Gently Distressed Cosmetics>>

win.