Top Ten Signs Creampuff's Dog Might be a Lesbian

Yes, yes, I lied and Padu was right. It's been two whole weeks and all I got is more about the dog.

10. She prefers ladies. 

In the elevator, on the street, in the hobo park; Emmy is an equal opportunity sniffer, but when it comes to being stroked, she prefers the touch of a woman. Preferably a woman who's been smoking pot and eating cheezies. I.e. every woman in Vancouver.

9. She won't play with balls.

8. She enjoys an "alternative sexual lifestyle".

And by that I mean she licks herself a lot. Then she looks at us as if to say "Jealous?"

7. She likes cats.

Well - she likes cats in the sense that she'd like to get her mouth on a cat.

6. She is a fan of power tools.

Katr and I decided that keeping our important business information in a canvas bag hanging off the back of the office closet was probably not going to cut it when the tax man cameth. So we bought a couple of filing cabinets last weekend. These "cabinets" (or, as I came to refer to them, "wheeled shitboxes") were not pre-assembled. The instructions indicated that a drill was not required. These instructions LIED and before long I begged Katr to fetch me the power drill (because getting up to get it myself was unthinkable). At first, Emmy feared the drill, but as I continued to work away, she became very interested in it, to the point where I had to stop her from licking it. She then proceeded to sniff or get her tongue on every other tool I was using before sitting down beside me to supervise the construction.

5. She wants to wear my sandals.

Emmy Lou can't fucking wait to get outside and she knows that my sandals are somehow involved. What she hasn't seemed to figure out yet is that if SHE is wearing my sandals, we are not actually going out. Tough break, kid.

4. Her favourite dog is very butch.

There's another shar pei in the building named Niki. If Niki was a person, she would lead the Dykes on Bikes part of the Pride parade. She's gruff and stocky and has no interest in playing with Emmy and Emmy CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF NIKI. I keep telling her "Emmy - those babes seem really attractive when you're young, but as you get older, their emotional unavailability will wear you down until your heart is not so much broken as eroded down to a sad, sad little heart nubbin." And then I tell her "Emmy! Get your face out of Niki's crotch while she's peeing!" 

3.  She won't play with bones.

2.  Like Ani DiFranco, she doesn't want to be a "pretty girl."

I was nervous about clipping Emmy's nails myself and she definitely needed a bath, so last week, I decided to take Emmy to the groomer. When the groomer called me to come pick her up, I could hear Emmy crying piteously in the background. "She no likee the bath, eh?" I said to the groomer as I collected my frantic pooch. "No," said the groomer, "she sure didn't. Maybe don't bring her again." Emmy was pissed at me for the rest of the day - but she was also very soft.

1. She can't get enough bush.

During the day, Emmy Lou's bush obsession is pretty easily dealt with, but at night she often manages to deke me out and get her face in some bush before I can stop her. I don't know what she's seeing in there  - a rodent? Crocs? An Ellen DeGeneres box set? - but she needs to get her mouth on it INSTANTLY. If I catch her early enough, I can successfully maneuvre her away, but there are other times when she launches herself into the bushes like a fuzzy rocket and I am left on the sidelines, pleading for her to crawl out and totally certain that she's going to be sprayed by an irate, bush-dwelling urban skunk.  So if you're hanging out in the Science World park at 11 p.m., the panicked creampuff yelling "Jesus Christ, Emmy Lou! No bush for you!" is me.

Comments

[Sparkles]

Buaahhaaa!!! Such a list! So, do you get a toaster for her? Or maybe something smaller...hmmm...like a hand warmer?

She is SO freakin' cute! Any lock outs lately?

[zuhn]

This list is priceless. Well played.

I'm also glad I'm not the only one who tries to convince others of my pets sexual orientation. My cat's a little bit of a fag because he's fascinated by my hair dryer. Yes, I am a butch dyke with a hair dryer. Fear me!

[wenders]

Glad you're back. :)
I must admin, I've never really thought about what kind of people dogs or pets would be, even thought I have thought about what kind of animal certain people would be. People who would be mice freak me out.

[Abi]

Oh dear Lord. I am enjoying the dog stories. I'm sorry that you get locked out of your house, but it amuses me greatly. Also, you are quite adept at making man-parts jokes.

[Maggie]

7. "Emmy likes pussy".

[PainterWoman]

Hah! Makes complete sense.

[roro]

Sparkles - Hahahaaaa! I bet she'd LOVE a toaster! So shiny - so many moving parts. And no, no further lockouts to report. Of course, now that I've said that, there'll be one tomorrow . . .

zuhn - I DO fear you! And you are so right about your cat. GAY.

wenders - you are HILARIOUS. "People who would be mice freak me out"? Me too, sister. Me too.

Abi - Thank you! It's a gift.

Maggie - Goddammit! Why didn't I think of that?

PainterWoman - I'm glad you're seeing things my way.

[Syd]

HAHAHAHA! Brilliant, Ro.

"maybe don't bring her again" - this has happened to me before. I've run out of salons to get Karlene's hair did. (har, har)

[cristina, massachusetts]

Don't feel bad. You're not crazy. I think my dog is gay.

[greymatters]

I'm floored. I soooo didn't expect a 4th dog post in a row (ahem).

Seriously, I rolled laughing throught this post. EL is quite a character.

[roro]

Syd - Hahahahahaaa! You are hilarious. And I'm telling K what you said about her on my blob.

Cristina - Excellent. Maybe we should start a queer dog support group!

GM - Yes, alright, yes, you were right!! IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DOG. And yeah, she's pretty ridiculous. She takes after me.