Creampuff Wishes Her Girlfriend a Happy Anniversary By Being a Total Freak

I am a rather suggestible person. I like to think it's because I'm an artiste, that this malleability is integral to my Art, but I suspect it's really that I'm a wanker. When I read books, I tend to get a little . . . involved. And I start to feel, act and react like I am actually in the book I am reading. Before, when I was single, I tended to live out these book-related fancies solo, unless some friend or roommate was unlucky enough to cross my path. But now that I am with Katr, she has to deal with Dame Drama. In this last year alone, I have, among many other things:

• Emigrated to Atlantic Canada after barely surviving the Potato Famine;
• Watched my husband get lanced through the eye during a medieval tournament;
• Fallen hard for Ginny Weasley;
• Felt the wind rushing through my heroin-addicted bike messenger mohawk; and
• Bravely tended a plague-ridden village in England with naught but the vicar's delicate wife to help me.

Of all the books I've been in recent memory, I'd have to say that Sarah Waters' books of lesbonic historical fiction have had the most potent effect on me. The drama - the history - the naughty Victorian words for one's nethers - the twists - the turns - the agony - the ecstasy! When I finished Affinity, I nearly had to take a personal day to recover from feeling kicked about the head and the stomach. When I got to the critical halfway point in Fingersmith (if you've read it, you'll know which part I mean), I actually screamed aloud and threw the book across the room. So when Reol gave me The Night Watch as a belated birthday gift, I braced myself for the Blitz. But I forgot to warn Katr.

I'm not going to spoil el booko for those who've yet to read it, but here are the basics. The book is set in 1940's London, during and just after WWII. There are lesbians in it. There's a straight girl. There's the straight girl's brother, who I'm guessing is a big 'mo, but I haven't finished the book yet. One of the lesbians drives an ambulance around during raids, helping the folks who got bombed. They all smoke, drink a lot of tea, wear much powder and lipstick (the women) and have complicated, intertwined relationships. It's all very dramatic.

The problem is that Sarah Waters never writes books about happy lesbians in stable relationships who wear wolf sweatshirts and go to drum circles. She tends to write about relationships in transition, relationships in turmoil, relationships where jealousy, abandonment, suspicion, insecurity and trust issues threaten to tear people apart at any moment. And I am soaking it up like a gigantic lesbian Q-tip.

What's hilarious is that it always takes me a couple of days to notice that the book has invaded my consciousness to the point of thinking "Oh no! Jerry's dropping incendiaries again! Hope the warden has the fire boys on it. Better get to the Underground for shelter." whenever I hear a loud noise. I also noticed myself worrying about what will happen if Katr isn't "careful" and gets me "in trouble". I referred to our dinner from Pizza Hut last night as our "rations" and I've started hoarding sugar and eggs. I noticed a rip in my jeans and wondered if I had enough "clothing coupons" to cover a new pair. Whenever Katr mentions some other woman (a co-worker, a speaker at a conference, my mother), I immediately assume it's because she's having an affair this person under cover of darkness, in the bombed out buildings of London. And when she says to me: "Uh . . . the "seams" you drew down the backs of your calves with eyeliner are coming off on the couch," I come back with "Why don't you LOVE ME ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOOORE? Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah." [dissolves into tears while girlfriend looks on, bewildered.]

It does not escape me that this behaviour is at best strange and at worst pathetic. And it's especially well-timed, as today is Katr's and my 3 year-aversary! Hey, baby - still love me? As some of you may recall, Katr and I had to have our anniversary dinner at Jack Astor's, Brampton last year; this year we've opted for upscale sushi at the incomparable Blowfish. I'm planning to suck the red leather bound books in our library (to rouge my lips) and my permanent wave is holding up lovely. But I'd better get going if I'm going to finish drawing these seams down the back of my leg with my eyeliner. That shit isn't going to draw itself and Katr's not keen to do it for me.

Comments

[Melissa]

Oh, man, Happy Anniversary to you and the Kate!

PS: I think you need spray-on stockings to go with your drawn-on seams.

http://www.bellneusa.com/home.html

[Sarah]

Hilarious. But rest assured you're not the only one who gets a little......."involved" with what she's reading - I recall with some embarassment a brief "Are You There God? It's Me, Sarah" period.......lol.

[The Feminist Mafia]

For some reason, I never realized that Sarah Waters has written more than Tipping the Velvet (my all time favorite euphemism). Yep, that 'splains it -- according to Amazon, they've all been written since I became a parent. I'm off to the bookstore right.now.

I'm jealous of Katr. Tell her so, k? You're so effing hilarious. Can I marry you?

Congrats on your 3 years!!

[roro]

Melissa - spray on stockings are the shit. I'm placing my order now!

Sarah - you are KILLING me. Fantastic.

Mafia - Hahahahaaa - NOW who's hilarious? Trust me, you wouldn't be jealous of Katr if it was YOUR couch that was covered in eyeliner. But get thee to a bookstore, pronto! Fingersmith is my particular favourite and trust me - nothing will put your son to sleep faster than a Victorian gothic lesbian thriller.

[wenders]

Happy Anniversary! Waters' new book is on my must read list...and I, too, threw Fingersmith across the room.

[Lex]

Happy Anniversary!

BTW, you can use a good quality chocolate bar with a sharp edge to draw on those seams too... it might add to Kate's appreciation of your effort... at least later in the evening. ;->

Enjoy yourselves.

[kimananda]

Wow, I should have been blogging when I read Affinity...I finished it on a long bus ride home from work, and I was totally gutted. I knew it could only end in pain, it was obvious from the start, but the amount of pain...I can't remember when I've ever felt that much impact from one book. And I didn't even have anyone to talk to about it! Yep...should have been blogging....

And, on a happier note, happy anniversary! :-)

[Drew]

Hard to believe it's been three years. Hell, I have a hard time getting to three dates. You guys deserve all the best.

Drink a saketini for me!

[roro]

Wenders - thanks! It's good to know that I'm not alone in my book throwing.

Lex - you are a FREAKING GENIUS.

Kimananda - I hear you! I was totally shocked by the effect that book had on me and seriously considered calling in sick to work so that I'd have time to jump off a roof. Awful. If only we could have blogged the pain away . . .

[Sioux]

ooo, Night Watch is on my bookshelf at home just begging for me to start reading it. While drinking tea and listening to the Andrew's Sisters, obviously.
I was never able to draw sufficiently straight eyeliner pantyhose seams, maybe I'll have to give it another shot!

Have you seen the BBC TV movie of "Tipping the Velvet?" It's pretty great.

Happy Anniversary!

[Syd]

Yea, uh...Roro...MY wife says to tell YOUR wife that it doesn't get any easier. I have no idea what she means, but K feels certain that Katr will understand.

[Kate]

Syd, I think it might be time that K and I started a team blog!

[Syd]

OMFG, Kate. NO. Now I'm going to have nightmares.

Roro, help me out here...

[roro]

Drew - we DID. And they were delicious.

Sioux - Your Night Watch reading plan sounds just right. And I LOVE that BBC Tipping the Velvet! Also, the movie of Fingersmith. Girl on girl action in corsets - that's where it's at.

Syd - dude, I hear you. If K and Katr start a team "blob", we're in serious trouble. I envision detailed mockery of our hare-brained schemes and pages long photo essays of us being morons. Mayday, mayday!

[Chaps]

Fish hate's it when another Sarah Water's book hit's the shelves because:
- the traveling we have to do to find a copy of the book (I couldn't possibly purchase online and have to wait for it to be delivered)
- she has too cook, clean & wash (like I'd stop reading for such things)
- and she get's frustrated due to lack of conversation.
Tipping the Velvet is my fav

[Heather]

"books about happy lesbians in stable relationships who wear wolf sweatshirts and go to drum circles" Hah! I never understood what prompts people to wear those sweatshirts, but they're HUGELY popular in the 'shwa. That and blankets with huge wolf faces on them, or crappy ceramic wolf dust collectors.

I will confess, though that I really enjoyed the only time I went to a drumming circle.

[Heather]

Whoops! Forgot to say happy anniversary and hope you had a fantastic dinner at Blowfish.

[greymatters]

FAAAAAAABulous post! Loved it.

Although I shudder at the thought of a group blob ... scaaaawey stuff that is, I think.

Oh, and Happy Sesquicentennial to you and Katr. WHOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!

[curly mcdimple]

Would you believe I've never read a single Sarah Waters novel? Gasp! I know! What kind of lesbian am I? A really bad one, yo.

Further proof for your consideration: I only recently watched the BBC's version of Tipping the Velvet. What's even worse is that I attended an intimate reception for and stood within 2 feet of Sarah, Miss Waters If You're Nasty herself (naturally, one of my friends had to say, "That's her. Her! The one you're standing right next to!") It was a party to celebrate the release of her new book. Uh... you know... um, whatchamacallit, the latest one that I haven't read.

I'm a disgrace.

[curly mcdimple]

P.S. Congrats on the three years!!! And many more!!!

[roro]

Chaps - I too expect the world to stop for new Sarah Waters! And Tipping the Velvet was very fine indeed. I hesitate on picking a favourite - although it's safe to say that I will never read Affinity again, or allow it into my home.

Heather - Fantastic. The wolf sweatshirts are a mystery to me too, frankly. But drum circles can be lots of fun, with the right people and the "right" kind of herbal brownies.

GM - You're so lovely. Thanks! And yes, we'll be assiduously steering Katr and K away from the team blob. The combined energy could wipe out the entire eastern seaboard.

Curly - Thank you! And hey - we all have gaps in our lesbian cultural education. I, for example, only recently saw Desert Hearts. Far be it for me to judge you. Except that I DO and I am APPALLED, young lady.

[anj]

Thanks for dropping by my blog. I just went back and read a bunch of your old entries.. and I am loving it! Congrats to you adn your Katr for 3 fine yrs.. Wishing you many, many more!