Creampuff Takes the First Step Towards Healing

Well, it's official. I am going to have to get some professional help. I am addicted to Q-tips.

I know, I know. You're not supposed to stick them in your ears and root around like you might dislodge the Hope diamond. It's bad for you. It messes up the wax equilibrium. You could puncture key parts of the inner ear. But how can it be wrong when it FEELS SO RIGHT? And? Right when you get out of the shower? Or the pool? Shouldn't you try to get the water out of your ears? So it doesn't fester? And so pussywillows don't grow in your ears like I read in a book once? And aren't Q-tips perfect for that?

So clearly, occasional Q-tip use is perfectly reasonable. But I realized I had a problem this morning, when I got out of the shower in our hotel, reached for a 'tip and came up empty. I felt a little burst of panic explode inside my chest. Katr usually has a little travel pouch full of those cotton wands of joy. I pawed through her toiletry bag. Nothing. I ripped her toiletry bag apart, spreading its contents about the bathroom like I was looking for my heroin suppositories. Still nothing. I turned to my own toiletry bag, willing it to magically produce the missing 'tips. I tore my bag apart. I then proceeded to empty out my knapsack, then Katr's knapsack, then my purse,then my knitting bag, and finally the the mini-bar. Nothing.

"Fuck," I thought, still in a panic, yet surprised at the vehement application of the F-bomb to what should not be that big a deal, "Fuckity fuck. Goddamn."

I began to think crazy thoughts. I could call the front desk! Surely they'll have Q-tips! Or if not, they could send someone out to get some! But then they'd come up and deliver them and I'd have to put on pants! Foiled! I could go get them myself! There's a pharmacy not far from there, I saw it yesterday, SWEET LAVENDAR LORD, why didn't I GET SOME YESTERDAY, I was RIGHT THERE!! I could go now, I could, but then I'd DEFINITELY have to put pants on and it's not pants time yet!! Fuckity fuck! Goddamn!

I was attaching a cotton pad to the tip of a 4mm knitting needle with a rubber band when I caught sight of myself in the mirror. My towel turban was in disarray. My face was red and I was breathing heavily. I had the crazy eyes. And that's when I knew - I have to stop hittin' the 'tips.

There was a time when Q-Tips were a matter of indifference to me. I used them to clean my nose ring when I first got it, but that was about it. Looking back, however, it was only a matter of time. My dad is addicted to Q-tips - I remember seeing the look of joy and satisfaction on his face while he slid those cotton-tipped beauties so far into his ear that they affected his speech patterns and motor skills. These things are genetic. I am powerless over my disease.

So I'm cuttin' out the 'tips. Going cold turkey. No more early morning scrub-outs. No more late-night inner ear frottage. And when I get back from the emergency room, where I hope they can remove this knitting needle, no more cotton-tipped LIES.

**Update** Darn it. Now Melissa's response to this post has me thinking twice about quitting - I'm clearly in such good company here . . .

Comments

[The Feminist Mafia]

LOL!
I'm addicted too, btw.

[roro]

Thanks, FM. It's good to know that I'm not alone.

[Bent Fabric]

*lol* I'm a big fan of the q-tipping, also. After all, who wants a candle growing in their ears. Well, unless you're Shrek. However, you need help! *lol* I'm currently seeking help for my gum addiction. :)

[marni]

ah.. sign me up for the 12 step program.

you know you have a problem when you see the different sized packs and wonder, "why don't they just make a box of 1000-- that would be so much easier". there is nothing else that i would consider buying a thousand of in one shot.

myself, i have an attractive carrying case so that I can carry an emergency supply in my purse. i am sooo glad that i am not alone.

[Sarah]

Just make sure you don't fall down the stairs with a 'tip in your ear like I did as a kid - it wasn't pretty. Oddly, a friend of mine did the same thing when she was a kid - walking around with Qtips in both ears, "pretending to be a robot." Naturally........lol.

[Syd]

You people are freaks.

Now, excuse my while I continue organizing my tongue depressors.

[Melissa]

Two words: ear candling.

[greymatters]

I had a girlfriend who referred to that morning qtip ritual as "having an eargasm".

Not being a qtipper myself, I didn't quite appreciate her devotion, although the expression always managed to convey how she felt about it.

[zoe]

I am a Q-tip junkie. Just hearing that someone else is quitting cold turkey is making me panic for my next fix. And it's allergy season, I NEED them.

[roro]

Bent - Ha ha. When I first read your comment, I thought "Bent has a gun addiction? Crazy Americans . . ." I too am addicted to gum, but that's a whole n'other post.

Marni - I love that you have a carrying case for your 'tips. I may now have to knit you a Q-tip dispenser for your 1000 pack.

Sarah - Hilarious. And a good 'tip. HAHAHAHAHAAAA! Oh, good times.

Syd - I don't even know where to start.

Melissa - one word: ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

GM - that's AWESOME. The eargasm story, however, is not in any way strengthening my resolve with regards to this issue.

Zoe - holy crap, I forgot about allergy season. Fuck this - I'm back on the 'tips!!!

[Jeff]

I also love q tips, its a sickness. I have been to the ER twice in my life for cheap store brand cotten tips coming off the 'stick' in my ear. Something no one has covered here is the smell. I get a waxy smelling built up on the tip and I LOVE to smell it after, it smells great, so gross but so good! I put it under my nose and sniff away, then I do the other ear. It is not uncommon for me to 'tip' so hard that my ears hurt for a day or two.

[101]

so get this? I am so addicted my ear got infected from the lack of earwax I'm guessing. My doctor also told me to quit it. It's only my left ear.. whats up with that? Even though my ear kills whenever I do it and hurts for an hour or two I keep doing it... it's crazy. I went to Italy over the summer and freaked until I found them in my bag. It was a scary two seconds.

[101]

so I'm not smelling it though?
haha freaaakkkk