This other lesbian whose blog I stumbled upon was doing a Top Ten Lesbian Dating Tips the other day. I was going to comment on it, and mention that I would soon be expanding on her concept with my own Top Ten Online Lesbian (and Other) Dating Tips, but she’s one of these blogspotters who doesn’t allow non-blogspotters to comment, so she will forever be in the dark. Sorry, man.
Some of you may ask: “Roro! Where do YOU get off offering online dating tips when you went online ONCE, found Ms. Right, filled out a profile specifically tailored to catch her attention, bought some credits to e-mail her with and 12 weeks later signed mortgage papers with her and a lawyer named Howard Stern?”
I would answer thus: “Just because I opened the door to love doesn’t mean I closed the door to judging others.”
Tip #1: Don’t mention your many cats and your myriad large bottles of lube in the same sentence. If/when we meet, I’ll be nervous enough already without constantly thinking about that Steve Martin sketch that ends with the line “That cat was the best fuck I ever had.”
Tip #2: It’s totally cool if you’re on medication. Half the people I love get by with a little help from pharmaceuticals. But if I know that you’re on medication because you mention it in your online profile, then I also know that you have disclosure issues. Thanks for the heads up.
Tip #3: Spelling. It’s the hot new thing. Look into it.
Tip #4: If you are bisexual, you have more to choose from! Fantastic! But if you’re a woman who’s looking for “either” and you spend your whole profile talking about what kind of men you like . . . you see where this is going. Similarly, if you’re a guy who says you’re looking only for men and you list one of the five things you can’t live without as “women” . . . The moral here is to really consider your audience - and review your ENTIRE ad before you post it.
Tip #5: A tiny amount of gentle self-deprecation is cool. Using words like “desperate and hopeless” and referring to online dating as your “last ditch effort to mate” - not cool.
Tip #6: If you indicate both that you’re interested in “dating” and that you are “in a relationship", you can’t NOT address that in your ad. If you’re an ethical slut, say so! Don’t expect people to deduce it. Also, a note to the personals people: why have “discreet” as an option in the relationship status section? Why not just have “cheating” or “sneaking around"? Euphemism is for the weak.
Tip #7: Dear JustMe368: Try to choose a user name that 367 other people haven’t chosen already.
Tip #8: Defiant statements like “I don’t have to sell myself” are incorrect. If that were true, you wouldn’t have filled the fucking thing out.
Tip #9: “Collect calls” or “winks", where you let another onliner know you are interested (but not interested enough to spend a dollar to send them a note) are for pussies. Committing to buy credits doesn’t mean committing to sign mortgage papers with Howard Stern. Get over yourself and make an effort.
Tip #10: If your tag line is “chicken necks", choose your photo carefully.
I could go on. But instead, I turn it over to you folks. For you veteran online daters out there, please feel free to contribute your own tips - or post them on your own blogs! Knowledge is power.