Creampuff Revolution

Creampuff's Top Ten. Or Eight. Whatever.

Between Winter bemoaning the homogeneity of Lesbian Nation's Top Ten Women of Sci Fi and Dorothy Snarker's Top Ten (in tank tops, no less!) and Syd's Hot List slideshow of hotness (holy Hannah, I'm still blushing) , I thought it was high time to finally flesh out my own Top Ten list, which, as longtime readers know, is general a Top Two list, those two being Dawn French and Gina Torres.

Dawn French

I know I'm not the only one who finds Dawn French fabulous. You know how I know? Because ever since I posted the photo below in relation to a post about vicars, the phrase "dawn french naked" is the top search term on my blog EVERY WEEK. I get more "dawn french naked" visits than I get "free porn podcast" visits. I also get "dawn french is hot" and "any pictures of dawn french naked". Oh, Dawn French. You are one luscious creampuff.

Gina Torres

There are other photos of Gina Torres out there, but this is still my favourite. I can't tell if she's saying "Get over here and I'll make you a woman" or "I filed that restraining order for a reason". Or possibly "make me a sandwich." I'd make you a sandwich any day, Gina Torres. Call me.

Emma Thompson

We were watching Harry Potter V the other night and even though I've seen it a few times and the scene is only, like, 30 seconds long, the part where Professor Trelawney is getting kicked out is so totally heartbreaking that I got a little misty. Oh, Emma Thompson. Even with the Coke bottle glasses and insane hippie hair, you still move me to tears. Also, why have I NEVER SEEN THIS PICTURE??

Katee Sackoff

I just got Season 3 of BSG on DVD and my fabulous friends Dapo and Jebr sent me the first two eps of Season 4 in the mail. I am primed for some BSG gluttony, people. But when?? When will I get my Cheetos and Starbuck time?? Why do I have so much work? And why is "paying the rent" and "wearing pants" so important to Katr? Sigh.

Queen Latifah

I'm pretending right now that I don't know she's currently schilling for Jenny Craig. Shhhh. Don't disturb my fantasy.

Christina Hendricks

I haven't seen the super-talented Christina Hendricks on Mad Men, mainly because we don't get whatever channel it's on. But I remember her extremely fondly from her tremendous performances on those two episodes Firefly. Just thinking about it makes me blush just a little. Hotness.

Eva Mendes

I never thought much about Eva Mendes until I saw her in Hitch (I'm a closet Will Smith fan. I don't know what it is...I love that Will Smith. Am I straight for Will Smith? Possibly.) She's so smart n' sassy and hilarious. Also, I have a feeling she'd boss you around and not put up with your crap and tell you to get over yourself. And you WOULD.

Drew Barrymore

Why is Drew Barrymore never on these lists? Sure, she has patchy taste in men and was in rehab before she could drive. But she's ADORABLE. And she has her own production company! And is reportedly extremely flexible!

Okay, I realize that this is only eight, but I'm fucked for time. Who will be my final two?? Will history decide? Will YOU?? I'm taking suggestions, people...

Creampuff Is Still Within the Rules

When I started blogging three years ago, I had to decide if I was going to have an anonymous blog or one with my actual name on it. I made a list of the pros and cons of anonymous vs. onymous blogging. It looked something like this:

Anonymous Blogging	Onymous Blogging
Trash whoever I want!! Yeeeeaaaaah!!	Have to "care" about other people's "feelings"
Share my innermost thoughts, fears and non-donut-related sexual fantasies with my readers	Ha ha NO
Perhaps no one will ever read it	My friends will read it just to shut me up
Can't publicly take credit for anything funny I might come up with	Fame! I want to live forever.

Obviously, vanity won out over the need to crap on people and you know what? I'm glad. Because I honestly think blogging has made me a nicer person. I like to think that I'm all tough and bitchy (and I certainly enjoy the gossip) but the truth is that I'm a big fucking marshmallow and nothing makes me sadder than hurting someone's feelings - even if it's someone who completely chaps my ass. So early on I adopted a strict blogging policy that I won't say anything about someone on my blog that I wouldn't be happy to say to them in real life, given the opportunity. That includes you, Louise.

That said, sometimes you don't GET the opportunity to say things to people in real life. Because at the time, they wouldn't shut the fuck up. What follows are a few things I wish I could have said to the gentleman I met in the dog park today.

• You can smoke in the dog park. It's a free country. But could you not ASH ON MY DOG, DIPSHIT??


• I can take your big dog barking its head off OR I can take you close-talking. But not both.


• I do know where Brazil is. I do know they speak Portuguese there. I do know that Spanish and Portuguese have similarities but are not the same language. Just because YOU were ignorant of these facts before going to Brazil for three months does not mean that I was. Although I'm glad you learned something.


• You do not have to "entertain me" with the three Portuguese phrases you "developed" during your time in Brazil. This isn't Blind Date. Although, if it was ... it wouldn't be going well.


• I'm no Dog Whisperer, but I don't think that holding your dog's mouth closed and yelling "No bark!" in his face is an effective dog training technique. I question its effectiveness mainly because, when you finally let him go, he just barked louder. That's the only reason I didn't then hold your mouth closed and yell "No talk!" in YOUR face.


• When someone is walking away from you, that's a pretty good hint that she doesn't need to hear any more pointless anecdotes. Don't blow your pointless anecdote wad all at once, pal! Save it up!


• If you say "Thanks for listening" to someone as they're leaving, that says to me that you know you talk non-stop, but that you're not interested in changing that about yourself. And to that I say "Really? Then I'm not interested in being polite next time I see you! Score!"

So, AviatorGlasses BarkyDog - if you ever come across my blog, during your search for "entertaining Portuguese phrases for boring creampuffs at the dogpark" - this is what I would like to have said to you. So perhaps you were clever not to let me get an word in edgewise! Of course, I'm hoping that this was a one-time encounter - but just in case it wasn't, can anyone tell me the Portuguese for "no talk?" I wanna try something.

Creampuff Just Wants You to Realize Your Potential

We're coming up on the 2008 Olympics and it's looking like my dream - competing in the 2008 Creampuff Olympics - will have to die, chiefly because I didn't get around to actually organizing them. But all is not lost. I might be able to salvage my dream the way ballet mothers do - by forcing it on my kids. Or, in my case, our dog.

I have a casual, chatty relationship with a few of the dog owners I see on our regular walks. When I was out with Emmy yesterday, we ran into Rubber Boots McPointerOwner (none of us know each other's names. I'm sure she refers to me as Fattie McWrinkleDog). We got to talking about the Olympic village they're building across False Creek from the park where we often meet.

"It's a shame," she says, in her jaunty British accent, "that they don't have an Olympics for dogs. They should have their goals in life too, don't you think?"

I agreed enthusiastically as I watched her dog do a full-twisting double layout before catching her floppy pink frisbee. Her dog's coat glistened in the sun. I turned to my dog, who was sniffing some dirt nearby.

"What do you think, Emmy? Should we put you in the Doglympics?"

Emmy started choking on the dirt as Rubber Boots McPointerOwner and I looked on. "Better start training now," said Rubber Boots, as her dog leapt in a graceful arc over Emmy's back to retrieve the frisbee again. Emmy sneezed dirt on my pants.

I'm quite excited by the idea of Doglympics, truth be told, but I think I may have to skew a few categories to favour our hound. Sure, we can have Agility, Musical Canine Freestyle and Pulka, but I think we may also need to add the following Doglympic sports just for Emmy Lou:

Freestyle Duck-Hassle

 

Rodentia Flush Out

Synchronized Butt Sniff

Defiant Stare Relay

Kong Lick

Independent Exploration

Bath Avoidance (a sub-category of Independent Exploration)

Bed Detection

I think that pretty much covers it - our pooch is poised to take the gold!! Unless you guys have some other "sport" suggestions...

Creampuff Knows She's the One

I'm having an ass-tastic day of shit and worry (the existential crisis kind, not ACTUAL PROBLEMS). Two things are making me feel better:

1. Far From Over by Frank Stallone, which I downloaded so that I could relive in my mind the awesome "getting ready for the most horrible show on Broadway" montage from the 1983 film Staying Alive.

2. Katr. She has been putting up with my shit and worry all day - listening, stroking, making reasonable suggestions, making lunch. And just now she took one look at my angst face (she knew it was my angst face because before I took the dog out for a micro-stroll, I demonstrated the face) and said chipperly:

"Wanna start drinking?"

It's in these special moments that you realize you've married the right person.

UPDATE: Oh my god, LOOK WHAT I FOUND!!

Staying Alive - Far from Over
Uploaded by nightwind23

Creampuff Receives May Flowers to Counter April Showers

I'm getting to that delicious point of tired - that point where you've been getting up too early, working for several hours on something you really like and then going to bed too late for days and days - where you start to feel nauseated all the time and your hair looks like Buckwheat because you had your "morning shower" at 11 p.m. and then slept on it and everything seems either TRAGIC or HILARIOUS. Hahahaaa - hilarious!! All caps is HILARIOUS!!

Fortunately for you, I'm just stopping by here to share some Monday morning cute-osity and report that this hat:

has found its way to this extremely innocent baby:

"What seems to be the problem, officer? No, that's not my weed. No, it's not."

"Hee hee - it WAS my weed! Lucky I kept the rest under my hat...Where are those Cheetos?"

Oh, the cuteness of this baby! The chubby cheeks! The mischievous expression! This jumper makes her head look like the topmost flower of a stalk of beautiful flowers. I would like a shirt like that and on the back, I would write "I'm a delicate flower - you asshole" because I always thought that would be funny.

Baby Elsa's mom, a friend of Katr's, sent these pics in accompanied by the nicest note ever:

Here are a few pics of Elsa in the hat. … the most beautiful hat in the world …. I think Rosemary could go into business selling these hats. I’ve had so many compliments on how adorable the hat is … in fact people comment on the hat and not the baby…. But I’m ok with that, we don’t want her getting a big head!

I was so flattered and flushed with her compliments that I briefly considered following her suggestion and going into the baby hat business. I love knitting! And babies, from afar. But then Katr pointed out that it takes around eight hours to knit these things and I can only knit for about four hours at a time and the yarn ain't free and that at even a fraction of my going rate, I would have to charge around $200 for each hat to keep the dog in her fancy designer kibble.

So people who are actually in the hat business? You can stop looking over your shoulder and relax.

I wish you all a most fabulous week!

Someone Almost Left Creampuff's Cake Out In The Rain

When my lovely and generous friend Ron Hudson told me he was sending me one of his signature lemon spice poundcakes of love in the mail, you can imagine my delight. Cake! IN THE MAIL!! Ron even made sure to send it so that it would arrive in time for Easter, so that we could celebrate the resurrection with style. The tomb is empty - He's eating my cake! I was very excited for cake and so was Katr.

Sadly, Canada Post had other plans for the poundcake. Plans that involved the cake not being delivered in a timely manner. Ron called me from North Carolina to see if it had arrived and I was chagrined to report it had not. Where was my cake?? Then, a couple of days ago, I got the delivery notice from the post office. My heart leapt! I dragged the dog up to Main and Hastings and triumphantly handed over my notice. The post office worker handed me an envelope from Indigo Books and nothing else. I stared at her. She stared at me. Impasse. "That's it?" I asked her, "Nothing ... ELSE?" She shook her head and indicated that my cornchip-smelling dog and I should beat feat.

Dejected, we returned home, only to find ANOTHER NOTICE from the post office in the mailbox! But the post office was closed for the day! Noooooooooooooooo!! CAKESPIRACY!!

And so finally, this morning, at the post office, I claimed my prize. I'm not going to lie to you - the weather was inclement:

but we were not downhearted! The cake box was the victim of heavy sleeting as we trudged home. Fortunately, Ron is a master of poundcake packing. Behold!

 

Not long now, little cake.

 

Wait a minute... how big is this cake??

This is several pounds of cake, Ron. SEVERAL POUNDS.

Obviously, we wasted no time slicing into this delicious, moist, lemony, spicy behemoth. I used Katr's grandmother's china, because I wanted the pictures to look like the beautiful pictures at yarnstorm.

I know - not quite. But the cake still looks gooooooood, Let's see it on its own...

Best. Cake. Ever. Oh delicious cake. Until you are finished, I will pretend you weren't made with 3 sticks of butter and 8 oz of cream cheese. Thanks so much, Ron! We are so honoured to be on the receiving end of your poundcake love!!

Because I am all about balance right now, I didn't want you all to feel jealous and deprived. So I thought I'd offer all of you a chance to get something lovely in the mail too!

My wife Katr is the queen of laptop bags. Did you know? It's true! Just go Google "laptop bags". The second or third result there? That's her. And she's having her very first laptop bag giveaway!

If you can guess how many soft, fragrant rose petals are in this bag, you'll win the bag! All you have to do is enter your guess and your email address.

The bag itself (it's called the Giddy Up) is pretty awesome - you can read Katr's glowing review of it on her Funky, Chic & Cool Laptop Bags Squidoo lens.

AND, because Katr is the queen of laptop bags and I am her court jester, she's offering a special giveaway just for you guys. If you blog about this Giddy Up giveaway on your own blogs and trackback here, Katr will enter your name to win another laptop bag. She gets many, many review copies of bags; if you win, you'll get to choose one from her magic bin of laptop bag love. There's some good stuff in there, people. Good stuff that I secretly covet.

I will keep my fingers crossed for all of you! Just as soon as I'm done savouring this latest slice of cake.

Creampuff Will Write the Lyrics

My lovely and talented friend, Toronto jazz diva Shannon Butcher, is about to release her new CD, Words We Both Could Say. You can preview four of the ten tracks on the album here and you can order your advance copy here. Do it! She is fabulous! We ordered our copies this evening and are gleefully tuning our phonograph in preparation for her fine, fine music. Can't wait to hear it, Shannon!

I was actually thinking about Shannon and her new CD (oh, and join her fan page on Facebook! Do it!) earlier this evening when I was out strolling with the hound. I'm a little worried that, with the release of her album on the horizon, she'll be too busy promoting her own brilliant work to help me out on my pet project; a CD of songs that I sing to the dog on our walks together. This could be a blessing, though - I can use the time to really hone my lyrics.

Here are some of the ones I'm working on:

Sometimes Pull-y Pups Don't Get To Go Where They Want

That'd Better Be Grass You're Eating

Your Kind Aren't Welcome at the Ivanhoe Pub

That Boy Dog Should Have Bought You Dinner First

Puddles

You'll Never Get Your Mouth On a Duck (So Give It Up)

It's Hard for a Girl Dog To Whiz on the Bushes (that's the country track)

That Frothy Gob Hanging from Your Schnozz is Deeply Fetching

Puddles (Vancouver remix)

These are just working titles, you understand. But I'm just getting started! And I'm not averse to turning this into a box set idea - perhaps paired with a CD of feline standards ("Your Face Got In The Way of My Claws Again") with a secret track about ferrets ("We're Not Weasels, We Just Look That Way")? What do you think, pet lovers? With Shannon so busy, I'm looking for collaborators!